Ep. 60 - Podcast Thumbnail Title: Podcast Thumbnails

#60 – My Journey Quitting Porn | Yuki Asanuma

Ep. 60 - Podcast Thumbnail Title: Podcast Thumbnails

Are you currently in a situation where you feel like you’re being trapped in or by your faith? Are you constantly trying to conquer temptations and sins to recover your sexual integrity? Or maybe you’re a parent who’s very concerned about what your child is going through.

In this episode, Yuki Asanuma shares what his faith taught him in his journey and how it governs his life.

Be inspired and learn how Yuki overcame his struggles in quitting porn and how he sorted his life with the help of God’s guidance in order to recover his sexual integrity. This is your sign to take your recovery seriously and learn from someone like the guest who’ve experienced it first hand. Dive right in to learn more!

  • Challenges are never just a challenge but a way for God to give us more love in our life.
  • Good habits and good relationships in your own life puts you in a position to help a lot of people.
  • Embody a living faith.
  • You don’t have to be perfect to start helping someone else in their journey. You just need to be authentic and honest.
  • Believe that you’re actually doing better than you are.
  • Integrity equates to your word being more more powerful than action because it’s promised in advance.

Episode Transcript:

Andrew Love  

Welcome back to Love, Life and Legacy, the one and only podcasts that you will ever need to listen to if you want a life of sexual integrity and a radiant life, radiant blessing, radiant family.

Andrew Love  

In today’s episode, we have a young man named Yuki. And this guy, he’s been a part of our world for quite some time. He represents many of you, who are young people who’ve taken up leadership and our movement. He sorted through his own complications with pornography, with masturbation and now he’s on the other side. What he’s doing in this interview with Sammy is he’s unraveling the stages that he’s been through in order to get where he’s at today. So if you’re interested in taking your recovery seriously, and learning from somebody who’s done it in real time, then this is a great episode for you. And if you’re a parent who’s very interested to know what your  child is going through, this is also a wonderful interview because Yuki represents all of our sons. Maybe he’s a little old to be my son, but you know what I’m saying so please enjoy Yuki, everybody.

Sammy Uyama  

Hello, hello, everybody. Welcome to another episode of the Love, Life and Legacy Podcast. It’s me, Sammy Uyama and it’s just me today. Andrew is not here. I’m interviewing a special guest, so I’d like to introduce him to you. He is a super stud, if you’re going to look up super stud on Google you could probably find his face come up on the first page. It’s my pleasure to welcome Yuki Asanuma. Hey, Yuki.

Yuki Asanuma  

 Hey Sammy, thanks for having me.

Sammy Uyama  

All you listening, you’re wondering, alright Yuki, cool. Why do I care about hearing what you just say? Yuki, I’ve known for a good number of years and a good friend. He’s someone I consider one of the most solid guys. He’s someone that can get something done or just like you wonder: How are they doing in their life? There’s people like whatever is going on, whatever depths they experience, he’s gonna be okay. Yuki is definitely in that category. Someone I look forward to checking in with every now and then. He also has a really amazing recovery story with his sexual integrity. So I mean, that there’s a lot of stuff, we could talk about you, that’s what we’re here specifically for.

Sammy Uyama  

A lot of experience and wisdom to share about as a guy to what is taken, or what it takes to have really strong sexual integrity. Anything else about yourself and how amazing you are? 

Yuki Asanuma  

No, I think you did a good job. 

Sammy Uyama  

I hope so. I mean, honestly I don’t know if I could do justice. Yuki, you’re a really good guy. It’s really, I think, a benefit of everybody to have you, so thanks for joining us and being willing to do this interview. 

Yuki Asanuma  

Yeah. 

Sammy Uyama  

And he’s also a good chef, if that’s worth anything. It’s not just like: Oh, he cooks well, but is able to charge money for the food he makes. Quality, really good at cooking and really good at presenting food. So let’s share a little bit about your background so we know who we’re talking to. I guess the point of this is we do different kinds of shows. There’s just me and Andrew, we talk about whatever comes out of our mouth, and then we interview experts. We do a lot of just personal story interviews. This fits into that category. So we’re just having coffee by the fireplace, Yuki, Sammy and you, whose listening in, whoever you are. We want to get personal, so Yuki tells us a little bit about yourself. 

Yuki Asanuma  

Hello, Sammy. Hello, wherever you are. Yeah, my name is Yuki Asanuma. I’m from Omaha, Nebraska. For most of you probably don’t know where Nebraska is. It’s if you were to put your finger in the middle of America, you’ve most likely hit Nebraska. I am 27, I’m Japanese. For those of you who are part of the Unification Church community, we have a very small community here, maybe about 12 families. I always say that the amount of people that should come up and show up to church maybe, let’s say 17. But on a good potluck, maybe we’ll reach up to 25 or 30. Currently, I work with GPA, Generation Peace Academy. It’s one of our church leadership programs that we have here in America. My position is probably closely related to a counselor, I talk to a lot of the second or third participants helping them work through the challenges. 

Yuki Asanuma  

Mainly always trying to help them see the bigger perspective, understanding how God might be working into their life. And I would like to see, challenges are never just a challenge but a way for God to give us more love in our life. Before working for GPA, I worked with our family. That’s where I learned to cook more. Before that experience, my main cooking experience was just watching videos on YouTube. But now I would say yeah, I would be a sous chef for some time, worked in the kitchen. 

Sammy Uyama  

And the work you do not take care of primarily high school graduates and young people whenever they join GPA. Taking care of young people, and as a spiritual guide or counselor esque role that you play, you’ve got such a good foundation to build and help these people. A lot of people, they’ve got good intentions and desire to be helpful but actually haven’t gone through the course of developing a strong foundation, a spiritual foundation for yourself. Good habits and good relationships in your own life, that really puts you in a position to help a lot of people. So I’m glad that you are on the GPA staff and being able to be involved in a lot of people’s lives during a time when they are looking for that. 

Sammy Uyama  

They’re doing their rite of passage, so to speak of wanting to find their own personal life of faith rather than just being an attachment to their parents, and their home life. A huge component of that is the work you’ve done to create a really strong level of sexual integrity for yourself. It’s something that’s often not talked about in any part of life, and particularly involved with someone’s spiritual life. But that doesn’t mean you’re immune to having been exposed and experienced to porn or masturbation despite growing up with faith playing a large part in your life, but rather than just assuming that, why don’t we start with the first question. So what role did faith claim your life growing up?

Yuki Asanuma  

That’s interesting that you ask, even though I’m working almost like a part of my work, and definitely the part of my work. Growing up even attending church on Sundays, my only reason I went was to hang out with my friends. Depending on what age we were, it was either because of, I’d go because we’d all have our Pokemon cards, or our yoyo cards, or we’d be playing Gameboy together, hiding in the back room, away from the parents. So definitely faith wasn’t necessarily the most prevalent reason why I did anything, but naturally, I found it creeping into my life more and more. Maybe it’s my parents’ influence to some degree. For example, I believe a big part of why it ties continuously to the day, even though many of my own friends who are young adults don’t tie it, it’s because I think my parents, every time the tie back they would come around, give me 10 cents or $1 to represent that 10% that we only have to give. 

Yuki Asanuma  

For example, the reason why I believe church or faith became a priority to me, I remember in elementary school, middle school, high school when we had a sporting event on a Sunday. I could only go if it was after church, whereas for most of my friends, if they had too much homework they couldn’t go to church, or they just didn’t want to go, they won’t go or they have a track meet or soccer game. For my parents, they would never get enough excuses to get church. At that time, I really hated it because all I wanted to do was not be there. Looking back, it made me recognize that faith becomes a priority rather than the other thing that will always be there. 

Yuki Asanuma  

I’ve never realized that at the time though, how faith has incorporated more in my life. I also was a participant on GPA for two years back in 2012 to 2014, and afterwards I started just getting myself more involved. Not necessarily because I felt like I could, it was almost more because I felt that no one else was really stepping up to help support the local community. I found myself volunteering for random positions, helping out the tithing, helping count or giving sermons occasionally, eventually becoming the assistant pastor. Helping deaf camp workshop, becoming director for some of these. That’s some of the things I’ve done, I guess.

Sammy Uyama  

Got it. So it wasn’t an intentional plan of yours to become staff for GPA, but you always just stay connected. And then, by happenstance, the opportunity came up. Something like that?

Yuki Asanuma  

Yup, you can take that way.

Sammy Uyama  

Well, how would you say, rather than the way I say it?

Yuki Asanuma  

I think happenstance, I guess it seemed like a thing just happened to be by if you like it. It may underplay how difficult it can be to choose base every time. I guess, the amount of time and sacrifice that we have, I get that position to have to give or take. Opportunity would come and would arise. I met you because I attended a global top gun workshop for the participants, and then you invited me or you had asked if I could help staff maybe a year or two later. And even then, it’s not like of course, I could think it just happened. But I believe it’s the conditions that are set, the amount of effort that has been put forth, but because of the continued investment that’s also where I met one of the GPA staff that I used to work under the participant. 

Yuki Asanuma  

He was there watching, overseeing some of the participants that he was sending from America, and talking to him and he just casually mentioned the idea of working for GPA in the future which is something I actually, initially really didn’t want to do because my experience there was challenging, not really like working on my life of faith was difficult. But yes, I found myself continuing to invest in my life faith,  not only just my own but trying to help other people. I wanted to give it an opportunity and a chance, even though at that time actually, I was really considering putting it on, making a lot more minor, maybe focusing a lot more on career, more security for myself. I would like to think that I chose very intentionally this path.

Sammy Uyama  

The way you said it, does justice way more to the actual process in the way I said it. Appreciate it.

Yuki Asanuma  

Thank you. No problem.

Sammy Uyama  

So then we got a good background, the way you grew up but what about porn? Masturbation? How were you just introduced to that in your life?

Yuki Asanuma  

Yeah, it’s interesting speaking about church things. I believe the very first time that anything was ever introduced to me, I was probably 11 or 12. It was me and another friend around my age, we were outside the church, and we had about two or three of our elder friends, older brothers there. One of them had just thrown the question or asked like: Hey, do you know what jerking off is? And I’m 11 years old, I have no idea what he’s talking about. I’m like, no. And he pretty much showed me, didn’t actually show me but with his hand gesture, gesturing what it would be. It did not make any sense to me like what that was or why. I would say that’s my very first initial impression. It wasn’t until maybe a year and a half later that I put two and two together, and tried it out myself. I guess the initial seed planted around 11, finding out more about reality around 12.

Sammy Uyama  

Then was that just with masturbation? Or what about porn, then?

Yuki Asanuma  

That was just a masturbation. But see, I think it’s interesting when I think when you say porn, I know you described your scene as probably just nudity or something more very sexual, or very obvious. So looking back, I feel like my first exposure may not necessarily be considered porn. But for me at the time, I felt like this is porn. I believe I was 13 and a half going 14, on my dad’s laptop, I was on YouTube. I don’t know exactly what I was searching but I came across a video of a girl dancing. She was fully clothed, though, and by today’s standards, were probably not even that bad of dancing. But for me being 14 those were extremely stimulating, the idea of that just seeing her dance. And for me, at that time, I would consider that my first exposure to porn. And it wouldn’t be maybe until a year or so later that I would actually see anything more graphic.

Sammy Uyama  

Got it. I was actually introduced to masturbation and porn is that same time, but by a church friend too. So we have that in common. It wasn’t outside the church though. So how did it develop then? The seed was planted in you, and then you? However, you ended up masturbating, and you experienced it. It was experimentation, whatever, but anyway, then you had a stimulating experience a little bit later. So in what way did it ramp up throughout your life, or throughout your teenage years?

Yuki Asanuma  

Let’s say when I was 12, and then it happened, kind of experimenting. It wasn’t a very consistent thing, maybe once every, off too often, maybe once a month or something. I don’t think it even felt that great but it was just a different experience. And then it wasn’t until, later when my first experience with porn, and eventually getting more into that. Obviously, I watched something that was stimulating and I guess, the idea came together that I should touch myself at the same time. And, yeah, I can’t exactly recall what life was. I get 14 still, the next memory that comes about in high school when it would have been maybe once a week, or a few times a week, or maybe even to the point of multiple times a day. 

Yuki Asanuma  

I guess it would really depend on what I had going for me at the time. I know when I’ll be really into tennis, it will probably happen very rarely because I was so busy, really tired but probably at times where I wasn’t doing so much and just at home all the time, playing video games and wintertime, whatever it is. It might happen more often. But I guess that was what it was like during high school, at least for me. There’s always a sense of guilt, I can almost never recall the time I didn’t feel guilty afterwards, which I know is not always the case for everybody. But of course it didn’t mean I didn’t know myself too often, but I would feel that. I guess that was my experience throughout high school. 

Sammy Uyama  

People often talk about how they’re the type of porn that they watch ends up escalating as well. It’s what originally seemed dull. I mean, did you ever experience anything like that?

Yuki Asanuma  

Yes, definitely going from a fully clothed girl dancing to actual naked people having sex. I didn’t just jump into it. I think I was very conservative. I would go to just images of all these good looking women, and then I’m probably scrolling through Google eventually and hoping to see something where they have more revealing clothing. I’m thinking it’s somewhat hypothetical because I can’t remember everything. Or let’s say, a bikini or something. They’re still dressed, but definitely more more skin. And then I guess, eventually there’ll be some type of website you go to, and then there’d be a link and then I would end up being exposed to like a video of a woman naked. 

Yuki Asanuma  

I guess that’s where it took off. I don’t know how necessarily graphic or detail, I should be going into this but I never really wanted to see anything very violent. But I think that’s also what prevented me from ever getting into the whole varied kind of world. I know that there’s a lot of that there but what if I ever opened up anything like that it’ll scare me, or he was just a huge turnoff. I was not willing to continue though. 

Sammy Uyama  

Got it. I appreciate you answering that question. I think it’s such an important thing to emphasize the, at the time subtle development of porn and masturbation. It’s like when you’re in the midst of it, my experience, sure is you don’t really notice how it progresses in that way. You were to take stock of it and look back a year ago, two years ago, whatever, what you used to look at and what you’re looking at now. That stuff it would nowhere known to do for me now. And it’s just this nature of porn, of this need for escalation, need for novelty. I think it’s something that people take for granted often. And so, I wanted to dive into that just a little bit. But how would you say that you’re looking at porn or masturbation, how did it actually affect you during those times in real life? There’s a lot of ways to answer this, and we can go in all of them just like your relationships: your relationship with yourself, relationship with people or with your faith. Those in particular I think, are the ones that’ll be worth looking at. 

Yuki Asanuma  

How does it affect me during high school? I am not sure. But what comes to mind is, I think it would affect my perceived value of people, if they were worth more of my time or not, because they were good looking or not. It’s really not fun to say that, but it definitely is true. Or I’d want to be somehow to be around them more, because they were better looking. I don’t think I would even be aware of it at the time, but looking back, I find that to be more true. I think in particular, for example, let’s say camps and workshops, but it came to high school time. I don’t think it necessarily affected me then, I feel maybe knowing that I’m in a church environment I tried to be more objective and have that kind of mindset. But thinking of even after high school, or while working or just in general society, I would think it would continue to be true, just like better looking people were probably worse most of my time than not good looking people. It may not necessarily be very obvious to other people, how I act. It will always be at the back of my mind and will always ring true.

Sammy Uyama  

It’s a very not fun thing to acknowledge. I think that’s actually a very common way to be affected by not just, I mean porn can definitely do that but there’s a lot of value based on appearance in general media. So I think, subtly, that some degree of what you just talked about, is experienced by a lot of people. Post high school, is there any other unique way you recognize that point affected you?

Yuki Asanuma  

Another point that did come up thinking about it now, is how we would respond or react when I was agitated or irritated? I think it’s because masturbation became a stress reliever. And so if I was stressed, and I just couldn’t find that instant gratification, then it would easily be taken out on other people, mainly just my family. I was pretty good with holding it like how I feel with other people. But my family guys, my mom would probably get the brunt of it. And I don’t think it was always so obvious. It’d be more snappy, more just irritable, and I think that was another side effect, I can say because of porn. But beyond that, at this moment, I can’t think of much.

Sammy Uyama  

That’s interesting. For my next question, I’m just wondering why did you want to stop then? Because that’s a really interesting place to be and I should have introduced this in the beginning when welcoming you but you were completely porn/ masturbation free. Basically for at least porn free for a long long long long time. Masturbation free,  for a long time as well. And single, 27 year old guy, very healthy barrel which is like a unicorn. Some people consider it impossible and so made a really strong base for your sexuality. A lot of people when they’ve got this turning point where it’s like: Oh man, porn was totally wrecking my life and so I really needed to buckle down on it. It seems as if it affected you but considerably mild compared to the ways that it has affected a lot of other people. And then you made this complete turnaround of completely stopping and so what was the beginning of that? Why did you actually want to make it stop?

Yuki Asanuma  

Before I answer that, I feel like I don’t want to downplay the struggle I’ve gone through. I guess I couldn’t verbalize it so well, but there are times definitely or the temptation would just be there in a cave once a day, even multiple times a day, and definitely had to go from something like that. Not doing it at all now, I’m over. For me, porn and masturbation go hand in hand, it’s almost impossible for one to go without the other for me. But right now, I stand about three years clean. How did I get to this point? Many, many attempts. One of the first things that came to mind growing up, we had a summer camp and we always have something called brothers’ night. And the thing is, I don’t feel I should be sharing what happened at brothers’ night because what happened that brother’s night stayed in brothers’ night. 

Yuki Asanuma  

Those are how’s the thing, but I can go over generally. Some topics we talked about, and it made me recognize that I am not the only one out here that struggled with this big thing. But despite that, it did give me some relief that I am not alone. But it did not solve my problems. Another big point in my life that I recall, I guess one of my first attempts was I went to a workshop in Korea, and a place called Choung Yung. For those of you who know, I attended a 4day workshop during my freshman year of high school. And during that time, I remember a big thing, we had a big prayer on repentance, we went into a special room, and we were asked to really pray out loud. 

Yuki Asanuma  

And there were other people in the room too, and if I think not just guys, there’re girls too. But for me, this was the biggest struggle in my life at that time. And I felt that I needed to pray about this. I remember like, dang, it’s so loud. And so how much I really wanted that in my life. And yeah, I guess other people were not as convicted to pray out loud so many of them probably heard my prayers, which is very embarrassing because I remember a guy afterward with: Yuki, I really respect you for being able to pray like that. It’s like: Dude, you have to listen, pay for yourself, don’t listen to my prayers. But I felt that was also a point where I made a really strong promise or commitment, which I wasn’t able to follow through with. And then maybe again during high school, the very freshman year of high school. And then so all the other years again, I could probably make attempts after a spiritual high of a camper workshop and then drop and be defeated. 

Yuki Asanuma  

One of the bigger turning points afterwards was during GPA. But in two years, during my first year GPA, after half a year, we went home for winter break. I can’t recall exactly what happened but I believe there must have been some type of testimony before going home. How they had done a confession with their parents. Again, I don’t know what they had a confession about. But for me, it was very clear what kind of confession I would want to have. And it was on this point of pornography/ masturbation, I was at home during break. Actually, a good friend of mine, DJ Canarsie, I was talking to him. We were probably video games at night. 

Yuki Asanuma  

I guess he was sick so you’ll see him asleep on me while we’re talking. But had asked him like: I’m thinking about doing like a confession with my parents. Have you ever done it before? And this guy half asleep told me like: Yeah, I think I did. It was good. And for me, just looking for someone to support me, that would be enough. As he fell asleep, we were talking about the courage to make the decision, I’m going to tell them tonight. And I remember, it was scary though because in my mind, I’m a planner. And so I had gone through almost every situation, scenario that could turn out the conversation and having two Japanese parents, having only been scolded for things that I did wrong. 

Yuki Asanuma  

I felt this was the worst idea I could do. It made no logical sense to go about the situation other than the fact that I just felt it was the right thing. A big part of it, I felt the need to do it because with our understanding of God being a heavy parent, my own parents should be my close connection to God. If I can’t be honest with them, how can I be honest with God? And I would like more of my driving force rather than because the reality was that it wasn’t going to go well. I went to the living room, I had a glass of water. I asked my dad, if you get my mom, and I was waiting there, and my knee was shaking so much uncontrollably to the point like I felt like the water was going to spill over my cup. 

Yuki Asanuma  

They eventually come, and I build up the courage and so much fear. Because one, with the Japanese and I speak English with them. So I’m like: What if I say the certain words, like pornography, masturbation, and they don’t know what those mean. I don’t want to Google Translate this in front of them. But despite all the fear, and the doubts that had in all the plans of ABC all the way to x, y, z, not turning out well. I followed through, and as I spoke the words about how I had struggled with pornography, masturbation throughout the years, I remember closing my eyes, prepare for the hammer to drop. And yeah, the scary thing happened. My dad, he laughed a little bit and my mom was like: Yeah, I understand. I opened my eyes, so scared because this situation was not part of any of the plans that had before. Everything involved, a stern scolding, or disappointment, or getting kicked out of the house, I don’t know all the things, and none of that happened. 

Yuki Asanuma  

They’re just really understanding, and I’m really grateful for my parents for being able to respond that way, because I know not all parents are able to. But that was a time I felt was a big step in the right direction. I think a part of that also played into my character, when I’m really focused on something I just can’t think of a lot of other things. When I’m on the program of GPA, I don’t think about masturbating or watching porn. At that time, we didn’t have smartphones anyway. And so I had a little slider phone, which can do me any good anyway. And then definitely during going home during break times, there was an urge but I always chose to fight against it. Because of that, I would say for two and a half years, for the two years I did GPA and a half year afterwards even, I was clean. 

Yuki Asanuma  

For two and a half years, I was clean. I’m cured. I don’t have to worry. But going to school, getting stressed, I eventually found myself slowly sinking back into the habit. It was very subtle, just be more aware of girls really nice in this movie, or watching YouTube videos or slowly letting myself thinking, pretending I’m stupid not enough to know what I’m actually looking for. Eventually, the point that I had slipped, and I had to look at myself and think: Wow, two and a half years, we just went down the drain in just a matter of minutes. And it’s so disappointing.

Sammy Uyama  

So do you still feel that way? That was like: Oh, man, all that time down the drain.

Yuki Asanuma  

No, not. I don’t think I necessarily felt that way now, looking back. But at that moment, that’s definitely how it felt.

Sammy Uyama  

Yeah, you felt that way at that time. Continue.

Yuki Asanuma  

I think on and off from there, I’d have long streaks. There’ll be a lot longer, there won’t be much shorter. I can’t exactly recall the exact timeframe given now. But sometimes it’d be months, or even weeks to months, at some time to just be a data part. I was always doing this kind on my own. High Noon, didn’t exist at the time. I always shared with friends about what I’m trying to do, trying to improve, but none of them were doing much better than me. So it didn’t really help. And at least the community I’m from, I don’t really have many older brothers, or at people I can look up to. So I really felt on my own. Pretty much on sheer willpower is how I went about things, and that would fall short many times. 

Yuki Asanuma  

I believe they were the time I started to educate myself. I found out about this program or this website, and fought the new drug with reading into their content. Maybe before that I had read about the perspective of the article that came out on Facebook. Maybe he was a pimp, and he changed his life around but he felt so sorry about it. The woman that he was using, selling in a gang is a matter of perspective like: Oh, these are the people that are being affected because of my desires. And I started to see that my actions aren’t just affecting me. And I guess slowly educating myself along the way helped me get to where I am now. 

Yuki Asanuma  

But I would definitely say it wasn’t always enough. So I think the next major milestones, looking back, I remember even during this time, out of this sheer willpower in education, self education I had maybe gone even 100 days or something. Now that pretty huge feat, again, things happen and then boom, start over from zero. And I recall though, maybe the biggest moment for me was I found myself praying. I feel like from this podcast, I probably come off a really spiritual faithful person, but I feel like I’m pretty normal. I’m just someone that attempts to make faith very strong. 

Yuki Asanuma  

I don’t necessarily say my faith is actually very strong, but I believe that it’s something I always want to go to. Praying like apologizing to God. Again, God, I’m so sorry, this, this and this. I caught myself making prayer like: Oh my god, I’m praying like I pray over my meals for lunch. It just means absolutely nothing because I go into autopilot to pray over my meals and I only pray for meals if other people around, otherwise I just eat my food. And so I caught myself like a repentant autopilot prayer, when I noticed that I told myself like: No, God, I am not sorry. Because if I was truly sorry, I would stop. But the reason why I can keep coming back and doing this is because I expect you to forgive me every time. But if you were my friend, I wouldn’t be able to expect your forgiveness every single time. So I’m not sorry, right now by my actions to show you that I’m sorry. 

Yuki Asanuma  

I felt like that was a moment for me to take more control. It was hard. I remember at nighttime feeling the urge, wanting to act out and I would just walk around the neighborhood. It could be midnight, I knew I couldn’t let myself be in my room. I would always have my door open. I didn’t let myself have earphones or anything, just because I didn’t want any temptation to be able to flow. I wish I could still say that that was the end of it right then and there, but I had a long streak, maybe another a few 100 days, but it broke. But I didn’t let that keep me down, I re-committed and determined again. 

Yuki Asanuma  

Sorry, the story keeps going on and on. But I’ll go through the final spurt. I remember maybe after another break or two, there was a time I was clean for another 200 days even. But I often found myself in a gray zone, and I think this is also another turning point where what I’m watching would not be considered probably porn. No one’s having sex, though, is naked. But I found myself looking for things that were giving me some stimulation. I felt like what is the line in which is good, it is cleaner, if it’s not clean? It is the moment to be crude ejaculation, is that what it means to be clean? Is that really what it is? And I felt each day I kept adding this number onto my streak. I felt so guilty because it wasn’t really a true day. That was good and I was guilting myself more and more. 

Yuki Asanuma  

So eventually, I just decided to be honest with myself like reflection, the really big thing I go to more than prayer. Just like writing out my thoughts and rereading them later. For me, I recognize that I’m standing on lies like a person of integrity. This is who it is, and even though maybe I didn’t actually slip for people’s definition to me, I had gone past the line I would like to be. I started over and I determined at that point, it had become a numbers game for me, like: Oh yeah, I broke 100. I broke 120 130 140. I don’t want to go back to zero. I don’t wanna go back to zero. But then I changed it, my mentality each day will be that I’m on day one, because day 1 is always the day I’m most serious until i had a counter on my app, I would never open it because it would help me to actually know the number. 

Yuki Asanuma  

Every day I would always think I’m on my first day again. I think also along the path that skipped over that like a camp at a workshop that we start to talk about this with brothers. And they would ask for me to help them, again, this is before I knew even existed. Just me trying to attempt to be accountable to other people, I think definitely helped me stay accountable to myself. I always kept it honest like if I did slip up, and they would talk to me. I’m like: I’m sorry, I’m also not perfect either. I mean that big fault that many people go into when they become a leader, that they always have to be perfect and don’t make mistakes. But I think that makes them struggle even more. In my experience in where I’m at now, High Noon didn’t really exist. Oftentimes, I wish it did. But a part of me also is really glad that this is a place that I count on my own rather than having to be helped, at least for myself. But I think for the vast majority having something like High Noon is really amazing. So yeah, I get that’s where I’ve been.

Sammy Uyama  

Awesome. I loved hearing everything you just shared. And just to pull out some nuggets of what I got from what you talked about, I think that what I recognize as one of the things that personally I really admire about you is the level of living, you try to really embody a living faith. It’s not something you apply to your life. So many examples you just shared of you actually, choosing that faith, choosing to open up to your parents and completely sure that you knew how to turn out. But despite that, knowing that: Okay, this is an act of faith. I want to confide in them.

Sammy Uyama  

I appreciate talking about that because you’re not like a churchy person. You don’t listen to hymns in the car while you’re driving. What are some examples like listening to Hoon Dok Hae devotions while you’re eating breakfast. There’s some people that it’s like a hobby. Hobby makes it sound bad, but they’re really into it. There’s some people that bait, it’s possible to come trapped by your faith where you use it as a defining part of your identity. So you don’t do that either but you recognize faith as just an important part of your life. That you’re always trying to feed to grow that something that’s living, then the other thing was the made up nature of numbers. They can be helpful, but that’s really not the point. So catching yourself being legalistic about it, and then giving that up and focusing more on what this process of being porn free, masturbation free.

Sammy Uyama  

The kind of person that’s turning you into, that’s what you want to focus on more. So having it on Day 1 attitude continuously and continuously. And this whole process, I think, to me, it speaks really strongly to this and tensional intensity you had about or you have continued ups on that still about crafting the person that you want to be. This has been a very ongoing process for such a long, long time that you have mess ups even tracking as diligently as you did at something I think is not common for most people, but just for many, many years being clear on the person that you want to be and then continuously moving towards that, not getting discouraged or quitting entirely, but always keeping that in sight. And then just trusting that you’re moving closer and closer to it. That’s such an important thing, in High Noon we call it having a Northstar, it’s like your guiding compass that you know what you’re moving towards, rather than just what you’re trying to move away from. 

Sammy Uyama  

I do want to follow up with one question about what you’d shared, is that this part about just being really clear about the person that you want to be and I get the sense that the not looking at porn and masturbation, not masturbating was a huge part of that. It is a clear vision of who we want to be. And so, for people, there’s a number of people that have the sense that: Okay, porn is not helping me, unhealthy, but it’s harder to see the clear dissonance, or between how me as someone who looks at porn. Me, someone who doesn’t look at porn, and how it might be affecting me from being the kind of person I want. So what about Yuki? The Yuki that looks at porn and masturbates, was that not? Is that version of Yuki different from how you actually want it to be? What about porn, was not part of your master design for Yuki Asanuma?

Yuki Asanuma  

A part of me, I could say that because of the moral value of a Christian faithful background is what got me here. But I don’t think that that’s really the case. Honestly, I think it’s just thinking about the kind of life I wanted to have, especially in terms of thinking about the future, eventually getting mashed and blessed or married. Going through these experiences and recognizing that I’m three years clean now. So 24, when I was able to really start that journey again. But I think that this whole thing started out when I was 12 years old. It’s like: Wow,  I’m 24 years old. I’m thinking, I’ve had this habit for half my life. Do I want it to continue happening? 

Yuki Asanuma  

But I think for many people I talked to when they first started their journey they talk about like: Oh, I wanted to be clean for my future spouse or my wife one day. And I think it’s okay to have that kind of perspective. It’s respectable, but I feel it’s never good enough. I feel like because it has to be for you, and for me, it’s because I wanted that self discipline, that’s maybe not exactly how I want to say, but for me, I wanted this to be like when I experienced the real thing, I don’t want it to be compared to something else. I already feel guilty in a way as it is that I have already preconceived notion of what sex is actually like.

Yuki Asanuma  

I have some type of expectation or view, was supposed to be but if I never saw or experienced any of this, actually, I don’t know. I wouldn’t actually know until I attempted it. And if I’m sure it’d be weird, and awkward and whatnot, but it would just be it would just be genuinely me into it. I guess in a way it’s an attempt to start again. I feel with anything, like whether it’ll be porn or not, or any unhealthy habit. We can’t really be ourselves if we’re always anchoring ourselves somewhere. And I wanted to experience that kind of freedom to be myself and to also to be myself with other people.

Yuki Asanuma  

Again, I’m not viewing them in any other way. I think that’s one of the most enjoyable moments in the journey when I realized that I don’t treat people differently because they’re pretty or not. Actually I’m starting to recognize that this person’s really awesome just because they’re really nice or they’re really funny. It was actually so relieving to recognize that there’s something I can shut away. It doesn’t have to be the way I’ve always been, and that point didn’t come for a while. But when I did notice that it was really awesome because I could see the growth that had been making, but I think I strayed away from your initial question.

Sammy Uyama  

No, it’s good. It’s so great. Sex is a really clear way that this can be another is but especially with sex, having a blank slate is such golden. It’s like you and another person. And then you have the freedom to create something brand new together in your relationship. I can not just sex but just your communication, everything every part of your relationship, and in so many places, we’re just stuck trying to follow a template, or this concept of how we think it’s supposed to be like. It was what you just talked about, it’s like you recognize the value and give yourself a blank slate. Not to sex but developing your character and is allowing Yuki to be Yuki, rather than thinking like: Okay, this is what it means to be a good person. So I’m going to try to do that.

Sammy Uyama  

So you mentioned that you actually help other people in this area, and so I’m curious what it’s like for you having gone on this journey that you’re now turning around to help others. That is really cool to hear because that’s really what we advocate at High Noon, is the exact path of developing foundation for yourself, and then turning around to be supportive for others. So what’s your experience like with that?

Yuki Asanuma  

I would say initially, it wasn’t my intention to start helping other people, but just by sharing, honestly, with younger brothers. They wanted, but they also were struggling, they were looking for someone to support them. And even though I didn’t necessarily feel the most competent, it was just my attempt. Someone just a little bit further ahead of them but also with the idea thinking, I didn’t really have an older brother or any mentor, or person I could look up to that would help me at this time about things, like: Wow, if I could get them to stop this habit at the age of 15 or 16, or 17 or 18, or whatever it is, that would be so awesome. 

Yuki Asanuma  

Days and years of struggle. I think it’s where it initially started. But it also started becoming really healthy for me too because it gave me more reason. I think that’s really important that you have to build as many reasons as you can, forth to continue this fight, and really good reasons, not just lackluster reasons. I think I’d much of that what it was for them, it also was something for me. And I think that’s one of the greatest things about it. You don’t have to be perfect to start helping someone else in their journey but by really just being authentic and being honest. You naturally will. 

Yuki Asanuma  

I think even working with GPA, like giving guidance, I think also when it comes to giving guidance, in the topic of High Noon, I share things with them, and it starts to make me recognize more and more like: Well, I can start taking my own advice more. And it keeps me on track to always be on top of my game. Whereas it’s a sense of accountability, but not because at the time I mentioned I didn’t really have any other friends or people that were going through it. I remember a time sharing with my friends more and more, almost forcing that to become my accountability partner, even though they didn’t. They weren’t interested in being clean. But interestingly enough, I found out that probably because they kept talking about it with a certain friend on Sundays. 

Yuki Asanuma  

One day, I randomly got like: Hey, I’ve been cleaning for like three weeks. Now they go, he didn’t tell me he was trying to do it, most likely he attempted and he just didn’t want to share it. But I realized just by making this more of something I just project and open about, people also want it for their luck, I think because deep down inside they know it’s nothing that they want to have in their life. But just being able to have some type of given take with somebody else. It really is really stimulating for them.

Sammy Uyama  

Appreciate it.. it’s really cool. And maybe just some closing words, as a young Dude, what would you wish to say to people who are a little younger, a little earlier in their journey?

Yuki Asanuma  

I guess I’ll go with integrity. I know we talk about integrity a lot. And we talk about sexual integrity. I’ll just talk about integrity in general. And the way I see integrity is that it’s your words that are so powerful. And it’s, they’re shaped by your actions. And I think the majority of the world we talk to really well, especially the world that we live in now. Some people are really out quit with their words. And they can make you, they can convince you of pretty much anything. How well they’re doing, how successful they are, whatever it is, and it’s great to be great with your words, but it can actually become your biggest downfall, your biggest pitfall. You can start to convince yourself that you’re actually doing better than you are. But the thing about integrity is once you say that you’ll do something and you commit to it like your value, your integrity is increased. 

Yuki Asanuma  

I would say you want to make it that you are known as someone that’s of integrity. When you say that like: Oh, yeah, I’ll be there at two o’clock, you’ll be there at 1:55. Don’t be the person that has to make an excuse if there was traffic, or sorry, I got caught up in this. They’re always reasonable, but the reality at the end of the day, you were there, or you weren’t. You showed up or you didn’t. But if you’re always a man of integrity, the moment you give a promise with your words, it’s almost more powerful than actually the action because it’s promised in advance. And I think that’s what integrity is and what it means to me. And I think if you could become someone like that, like anyone will love to have you in their life. I wish someone had given me that advice a lot earlier, though. I guess that’s what I would say.

Sammy Uyama  

Beautiful. Thank you, Yuki. And yeah, thank you for the time for sharing your story with us. Do you want to make yourself available to people if they want to reach out and say thanks for the episode? Or you’re cool or ask you a question?

Yuki Asanuma  

Yeah, if they want to.

Sammy Uyama  

You want to? I can say we can either give your email or your Facebook info, not email. Facebook info or whatever, or we can make explicit notes like do not contact Yuki.

Yuki Asanuma  

No, you can. Yeah, I’m always open to anyone that wants to talk.

Sammy Uyama  

Okay. All right. Yuki Asanuma. I’m pretty sure he’s the only one on Facebook. If you really want to talk to him, you’ll be resourceful. You’ll find them. Yeah, thank you, Yuki. And everybody, we’ll see you next time.

Andrew Love  

I hope you found that episode enjoyable. And before we go, I wanted to challenge you to take your life on. To take your life to the next level. And if you’re struggling in any way with pornography, with masturbation, with issues of sexuality that just are not helping you at all. If you want to reclaim your life, reclaim your eyes and ears, your time, your energy, then take our free 15 Day Challenge. If you go to highnoon.org, you can find our 15 Day Challenge right there on the front page. Take it, it’s absolutely free, no strings attached. We’ve designed it to help you gain some level of momentum in your journey of sexual integrity so that you can take the next step, whatever that may be, it could be to go to our deeper ascend program, which is a 90 day program we have. It could be to reach out to that accountability partner, it could be to just take the whatever steps you need to take in your journey to build the life of heavenly sexuality that you deserve. So go to highnoon.org right now if you want to break up with porn and start to get engaged with the life of your dreams, and eventually marry it. Doesn’t it sound nice? So go to highnoon.org to find all of those resources and more. It’s been a slice.

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