Ep. 71 - Podcast Thumbnail Title: Podcast Thumbnails

#71 – What Absolute Sex IS and ISN’T

Ep. 71 - Podcast Thumbnail Title: Podcast Thumbnails

The foundation of a strong and healthy relationship are proper communication and having God as the bigger focus and center of a sexual relationship, instead of just physical pleasure. If you don’t have a common understanding about having sex, the results are going to drive you farther apart, rather than closer together.

Don’t compare your sexual relationship with anything or anyone, even your own past or your expectations for the future. Instead, envision yourself to be the person that you want to be, the type of relationship you want to have, and work steadily towards that. 

In this episode, Benjy and Andrew talks about the true definition of absolute sex. They’ll be sharing their experiences and understand what absolute sex is and isn’t. They’ll be diving deeper about the Divine Principle, importance of trust and communication in a relationship, how our habits affects our future, and the potential of absolute sex.

It’s always good to learn from people who are in a healthy relationship, but remember that you are in a unique relationship that has never existed before. So whether you’re single, in a relationship or married, and you feel like finding yourself lost or overwhelmed, High Noon is here to help you overcome unhealthy sexual habits and understand deeper the cause and effects of this addiction.

You can also check out our episode about The Best Reason to Quit Porn.

  • We have a societal view that sexuality is the health of a sexual relationship defined and measured by the frequency, but not necessarily quality of the relationship.
  • A true relationship doesn’t matter whose sex drive is stronger or weaker; it is how much you are able to selflessly serve and live for the sake of your spouse.
  • Everything needs a common base in order for that give-and-receive mutualism to have meaning.
  • If the reason why you’re having sex is because you think your body needs it, but your heart and spirit are not in it. The result is feeling more detached from the relationship over time because of sex.
  • Sex becomes a wedge in your marriage instead of a binding agent if the reason you’re having sex is not pure.
  • The commitment of being in a marital relationship and being blessed means that no matter what happens, we’re going to grow from this experience.
  • The greatest thing you can do is figure out what the relationship is between the most important areas of your life and create a strong vision for that.
  • If you’re single, this is a perfect time to start customizing your life because in this state you’re really engaged in life.
  • Don’t expect to be happy in the future if you can’t find happiness here and now.

Episode Transcript:

Andrew Love  

Welcome back to Love, Life and Legacy, a podcast that if you ever want a podcast that feels like a sweater, but tastes like the most delicious beverage you’ve ever had and feels like a friend when it’s nearby. That’s us.   We just want to help you get through life, especially as it pertains to sex. In today’s episode, we allow Benjy to just, we take off the leash and we let the guy go. He’s just gone. He is really passionte about absolute sex, and especially what it is not. There’s a lot of misnomers as to how to create synergy in a marriage, and sometimes we are misled.  Let’s get into it. The gloves are off today. The ladies have gone wild. I don’t know what it means, but it’s gonna be a great episode. So let’s get into it.  Welcome back everybody to another delightful day here. Benjy and I were just cat-fighting before this. That’s why we’re giggling. He’s got a giant cup of something and I have the smallest cup of tea you’ve ever seen in your life. We want to make sure to stay hydrated, because this is a doozy, this episode. The reason we’re recording it is because Benjy was hot to trot. Maybe two weeks ago, I thought about a staff call. It’s about absolute sex. But it’s also about so much so-called alleged common wisdom that’s shared with us, that’s actually quite destructive about the frequency of sex and having some comparative sexual relationship with other people and comparing the results that you have and all these stuffs. We want to get into this. We want to get in the weeds. I want to open the floor because Benjy, sometimes he’s very passive and he just lets you talk. Other times, he catches fire as he starts to elevate.  I want to know why you were so hot on this. We were not really talking about this topic at our staff meeting, but something struck you and you just went off. 

Benjy Uyama  

Yes.

Andrew Love  

You call, you went on your Soapbox. So why are you so passionate? 

Benjy Uyama  

I do go on Soapboxes, and I do listen passively for many hours. Most of my life has been listening and sometimes it just comes out. I don’t know, I guess it’s just my expression of God. I feel God is working.  Anyways, the last few weeks have been very interesting. My wife and I have been having very good conversations about what is absolute sex, really, in practical terms. But more importantly, what is it not? How do we identify what it’s not so that we can paint a clear picture of what it is and move towards that direction. This really came up a few weeks ago, when my wife had been in a conversation with a bunch of women who are married. Blessed in marriage. Faithful people, good people. What was really shocking to her, and to me when she told this to me, is that of the group of women, many of them, a lot of them mentioned that because they were talking about frequency of sex. Kind of like the quality of their sexual relationships. They’re trying to get to that. A lot of them said that they have sex whenever their husband wants. That’s just their rule of life and that’s just how they deal with it. Specifically, even if they don’t want to, because they believe. They honestly believe. A lot of people do. Subconsciously or unconsciously believe…

Andrew Love  

Wait. It’s consciously conscious, like aware. Or subconscious, not aware. You’re not aware. 

Benjy Uyama  

We have, I think, a societal view that man or woman doesn’t matter. But that sexuality is that the health of a sexual relationship is defined and measured by the frequency, but not necessarily the quality of the relationship. 

Andrew Love  

Sure.

Benjy Uyama  

Not the quality of pleasure, but the quality of the communication. The give and take in the relationship. The selflessness of that relationship. It became very apparent to my wife and I, because hearing these couples that are in sexual relationship with each other. Just giving themselves freely without even a desire for their own relationship, it’s just for their spouse. Out of duty basically. Out of obligation. It kills me. It kills us to hear couples like that. It kills my wife to hear that because my wife and I have been through that experience. I can talk a little bit about that.

Andrew Love  

Giving new meaning to call of duty. Well, think about it. The prevailing myth is that men are horny. That’s just how they are because they’re animals. How many times have you heard that men are like dogs or men are basically animals? We’re just horny. We can’t control ourselves. When we’re horny, just stay out of our way or just succumb to our wimps. That’s the most dangerous stuff that you could possibly believe. That men are out of control and that you need to either just move out of our way and let us do what we need to do or just succumb to our desires. That’s insane. That’s rape culture all over it and puts woman in a very terrible position.  But then there’s also this other weird thing that I’d like to note. When you were talking about this over the past month. A few guys like not one, not two, like a few guys were talking about how mildly ashamed they were because their wife has a stronger sex drive than they do. Well I guess, “That’s something wrong with me.” They’ve matured a lot. They’re like, I guess, “That’s okay”. But their initial feeling and thoughts were there’s something wrong with me because the man is suppose to have a bigger sex drive than the wife and should be driving the sexual relationship subject object.  Which is another interesting dynamic that I didn’t even know about because that’s definitely not my marriage. From what I know about you, it’s now your marriage. But  there are quite a few guys out there where they have this emasculating feeling because their wives want to have sex more than they do. Again, it’s like in this weird position of who initiates and what’s the pretense for sex. Is it just because one person wants to have it? That’s kind of what you brought up. The man wants to have it, the woman should just have it. That’s really not a good arrangement. Your wife was impacted. And then where did your conversation go? What did that bring up?

Benjy Uyama  

I think specifically addressing that question, that point, is that I have also experienced in the last year. I work a lot with young couples who receive the blessing, who are starting their relationship, especially in the last few years.  I would say a huge, maybe 80% or more of the couples that I’m working with or started their sexual relationship with are of this nature. That the wife has a strong sex drive and they have very, very frequent sexual relationships. I’ve been talking like every day for the last year. In many cases, the man is like, “I’m tired”. And of course, well don’t complain. My story is very different. My point is, of course, everyone has different sex drive. I mean, of coursemen over an extended marital relationship over years, typically the man will have a longer sex drive and woman of course it fluctuates have not. My point is that overall, that is not the main point that I’m trying to get.  The main point that I’m trying to get to is actually the really, really exciting thing about what the potential of absolute sex is. What my wife and I have, thank God, thank the universe, have been able to accomplish and learn, is that a true relationship doesn’t matter whose sex drive is stronger or weaker or hormone balance or imbalance. The true metric of a success relationship is how much am I able to selflessly serve and live for the sake of my spouse first. How can I first put her or his, my wife’s needs? Not desires, but her needs before my own.  What I realized in my marriage, early on, all took years to learn this, but I was putting so much pressure and expectation on my wife to perform and to do certain things whenever I wanted. I honestly believe, like hand to God, I believed that she should have sex and do things because I need it. I honestly believe that and it’s disgusting to think about now. I said that so many times when she wasn’t feeling it or we have these difference in sex drives. I would say, “Well, you should because you’re my wife.” I didn’t realize that is the epitome of porn culture, not just pornography, but what the sexualization of our culture is.Is that because I’m a man, because I have these “needs”, “desires”. 

Andrew Love  

Sure.

Benjy Uyama  

I deserved this kind of relationship. I was realizing, that thought that I had that I need this or you should was totally pornified. It was completely a skewed mentality I had based on my overexposure to porn over many years. And then I had to take a step back and realize that I was not putting her, essentially putting her needs. And what does she need? Why is it that she’s feeling this way? Why is it that our relationship is like this? As soon as I could have a little bit of compassion and a little bit of understanding of her needs. Actually study, take the time to study and learn about why women feel like this or some women feel like this. Then things turned around. I started reaching out to people like you, Andrew. People, like Uncle David. And I started talking to people about this because everyone around me, from what I could tell, was having the most amazing sex lives. Was talking about how great their relationship was and we were having a really hard time for a very extended period of time.

Andrew Love  

Wait, wait, wait. Details. Was it like that in the beginning? And if not, if that kind of evolved into like a sexless marriage, when and why did that happen? And how long did that last? These details are important.

Benjy Uyama  

I think for us, in the beginning, as usually happens, there’s like an infatuation period. I mentioned these couples before, there’s this period of year, a few years, where it’s wonderful. It’s great. What really was difficult for, I think, was a contributing factor was my wife had a certain level of postpartum depression. A certain twist in her extent. I know that’s not very black and white, clearly defined, but she had a lot of hormones affected. Just the reality that raising a child, the sleepless nights and a lot of things contribute to that. I’m not going to go and say that the children, it’s the child. No, not at all.  I honestly believe that if I had taken a different approach at that time and had more compassion and empathy for her, then our sexual relationship would have maintained. I honestly believe that, because when I did change, she changed as well. She was able to open herself up more. But that period of, after our second child was born, basically like two years. I can count on one hand how many times we made love within a two-year period. I know that’s really hard to admit to myself because I think at the time, I was hanging out with a lot of Layton and Chris Sanchez, and all these wonderful couples in New Jersey that I love and respect who just have amazing sexual relationships. We’ll talk openly about their sexual relationship. I love and respect them so much, but it’s really really hard to be in those friend circles when you’re the only or you feel like, I’m the only one that’s dealing with that.  It feels like going to school with your lunchables or or your bagel, and everyone is eating fantastic meals, prepared by their parents. 

Andrew Love  

Sushi.

Benjy Uyama  

Sushi. They’re talking about all the toys they got for Christmas, and you’re like dirt poor and you didn’t. That’s kind of the feeling. It’s really so destroying.

Andrew Love  

Yes, that’s insane. I went through the exact same thing as you and reacted in the same way as you which is more lack of sympathy. What about me kind of thing. Yes, sure. You’re not up for sex, but I need sex. What about that? The whole thing.

Benjy Uyama  

Right right, yes.

Andrew Love  

But that’s really my focus. Everything that you were talking about up until this point really raises a question which is I’ve been thinking a lot about give and receive action. It’s such a basic fundamental idea that comes from the divine principle. Everything needs a common base in order for that give and receive to have meaning. I think that one of the really important questions is like what is the common base for your sexual relationship? That’s kind of what pushes you over the edge to start getting sexual. If it’s like pressure, if that common base is, well he needs it and I want to make him happy, then it’s lopsided. The results will be lopsided. The formula is what is the common base, then you have give and take. That’s going to be the result. It’s going to impact the results. If you have a weird common base for having some sort of sex, then the results are going to drive you farther apart rather than closer together. But if the common base is let’s be closer together, then it will most likely wind up such.

Benjy Uyama  

Wow. Yeah.

Andrew Love  

Because that’s the reason why you’re doing it. When you think about these couples, we were talking a little bit beforehand and you were talking about these couples that are everyday, we’ve definitely heard reports of the braggarts texting us, especially right after the blessings, six times, seven times in one day. They’re so proud of that fact because they’ve been withholding for 20 years. So I get it.  Not to judge. Just to understand that If the reason why you’re having sex is because you think your body needs it or whatever, but your heart is not in it and your spirits not in it. The result will be, over time, that one person is going to start feeling more detached from the relationship because of sex. Does that make sense? Sex becomes a wedge in your marriage, instead of a binding agent in your marriage. If the reason that you’re having sex is not pure. If it’s not for the sake of the other person to really experience God in that moment. Then it becomes something that adds weird emotions rather than amazing emotion. Does that make sense?

Benjy Uyama  

Yes, that is exactly what happened to my wife and I. I was putting this wrench in our system which was making the focus my needs, pleasure and experience, and making it the very external, superficial, well not superficial, but the external stimulus of sexual pleasure with my wife. Her constant battle with this was, what about the internal? I need the internal first. I need the emotional connection first, and that’s not there. God bless her. I can’t tell you how grateful I am. How frustrated I was for years.  But now, to see our relationship now. I can say that I really understand a glimpse of what absolute sex really is. It’s because she stood her ground. She said, “I’m not going to give in, just because you think, because you’re going to label our sexual relationship as being this or needs to be this.”  She stood her ground and said, “I believe that it can be something different and better.” She believed in me. That’s like how I feel. I think there’s a huge opportunity for couples to go through that experience. Not just say, it’s easier to just give in. It’s easier to just do whatever. Like you said, that’s beautifully said, making the relationship, the communication with God which is something bigger, the focus in the center of the sexual relationship. Instead of just the physical pleasure. 

Andrew Love  

Yeah.

Benjy Uyama  

Which I think these couples that we’re talking about, who have been blessed recently, like we love them to death. We work with them all the time, but at the same time, we have to be careful because if the focus of the relationship is the external. It’s meeting a quota of doing it every day. And that defines my relationship. It’s how frequent if we go a week or even a month without having sex, somehow our relationship is failing. That is the wrong metric.  Because if it were true that the more sex you are having, the better relationships. You know who would have the best relationships? Porn stars. Porn stars win. 

Andrew Love  

Yes.

Benjy Uyama  

That is the epitome of what the opposite of a God-centered is a sexual relation. A true sexual relationship is just pornography, basically.

Andrew Love  

Coercion. Yes.

Benjy Uyama  

Porn has nothing to do with sexuality at all. I think we talked about this. It’s like the actual matter of pornography is a screen. There’s nothing sexual about it, in terms of what is really sexual. It’s connection and intimacy.  The only thing that is sexual about pornography is touching yourself. There’s nothing sexual about a screen at all. But somehow there’s like the enemy or whatever, Satan, whatever the industry or ourselves even, have made a way to link our innate need for intimacy with something that is destructive and addictive as pornography. In like a perfect storm kind of way. It’s just a perfect storm of destruction and maniac.

Andrew Love  

It’s very true when you have a couple, a new couple. I remember, I had a friend and she was single for a long time. This is like, well before my time, in a faith with a God. She just got a new boyfriend. I kind of went over to their house. How are you guys doing? They’re like, brand new relationships. We didn’t even leave the house this weekend. We just had sex all weekend. That’s generally what happens is the attraction is just so fiery and steamy in the beginning. But it’s based on, like, when you go to a buffet and you’re so hungry. You don’t give a crap how you’re going to feel three dishes in. You just cram as much food in your mouth as possible, then you leave that place with a sore belly.  You know why? Because you ate a bunch of garbage as quickly as you could. Not because your body needed it or wanted it, but because your mouth did. That’s what it’s like, when you let the body take over. Without any judgement. Without any rationale. Without any foresight. You’ve just let this thing take over. It’s like a child. It doesn’t know what it wants. Your body doesn’t. It needs to consult the mind, then the mind has to be like, is this a good idea or not? Then your heart, which is in line with our future guys. Let’s all think about it. They all need to work together.  If you’re having sex where any element of your entire self, your mind, your heart, your spirit. If you leave those things out, it’s not going to be fully rewarding. It’s not going to kill you, but over time, what you’re talking about is the compound interest of negativity or positivity. If the reason why you’re always, you really try to make it a priority to become physically intimate, based on an internal reason, then the compound interest is more love, more trust, more closeness. If the precluding factor of your sex is just because you’re horny, then you can really expect less closeness, more judgement, feeling separated, even though your bodies are connecting and your minds are not.  It’s really something to look at as a formula for anybody who’s in a relationship to look at. Why do I want to make love right now? Is it for the right reasons? Should I talk about it and like, get good at engaging with your mind and not just your body. Your body would be like, “I’m horny”. But then okay, well, is this in line with your relationship? With the type of person you want to be and to have?  That type of intuitive relationship with your sexualities. Amazing. You can also do it as a single person. It’s like, “Hey, I’m feeling horny.” Why? What led to this? Your body doesn’t just feel triggered for no reason. There’s something. What is that thing?  It’s all really helpful. Yes, Benjy, what do you think is the most destructive thing about feeling the need to have sex is? I need to have sex three times a week or whatever. Why would you say that that’s a bad thing?  For some people, to be honest, just to be the devil’s advocate, there are certain trains of thought in the psychological fields or whatever that say. Sometimes you just need to do it and then you feel close. You don’t feel like doing it, and then you do it, and then you feel close.  Definitely heard that at different workshops or different seminars or books. What do you think about that?

Benjy Uyama  

Good question. I think that it is absolutely fine and perfectly healthy for couples to have frequent sex. I just think that if that is the primary focus of the relationship, then it can be harmful. Because it’s taking away focus from things that can actually be really important, like, what are the needs of my partner? What are the needs, like the internal needs or the emotional needs of the man or woman? Doesn’t matter of the gender. Are they being met or do they really feel connected with me as a person and on that foundation?  If the result is sex every day or twice a day or eight times a day, which we’ve heard recently so much. That’s wonderful. That’s a wonderful metric set. That’s a result. That’s not the focus. So yeah, I think that’s perfectly fine and healthy. And I think people start to ask me after I share my story with my wife, “Well, how are you guys doing now?” And I understand why people want to ask that, but I’m not going to answer because again, I don’t want to take the focus away from what’s really important. But I can say is that my wife and I, as a result of the give and take we’ve had over the last 10 years of our blessing and the many ups and downs and the true lows where I think most couples would have given up very quickly if they went years, months and months without being intimate or physically close at all. But we went through that without any hesitation or any thought in our mind that this relationship is not going to work or the blessings not for us. Never crossed our minds because we understood the commitment of being in a marital relationship and being blessed means. That no matter what happens, and I know you understand this too, no matter what happens we’re going to grow from this experience. And that’s the whole point.

Andrew Love  

The best advice is like anybody who’s going to the blessing saying with the if question, if this is gonna work, I hope this works. If you’re not ready, it’s how. How’s the right question. How can we make this work? When you’ve switched your brain, and that’s where most people are at in dating everybody’s and if this works out. That’s why it’s dating. It’s like sampling the goods and it doesn’t work most of the time. And marriages don’t, because these prenups, prenuptials, those things are just basically saying when. When we divorce, you get this and I get this. That’s when. But most people are honestly stuck in if. They’re wondering if this is going to work. You cannot make something really special. You have to be how. It’s like I’m 100% going to make this work for my end and to have a partner that’s the same means that yeah, that stuff is just a blip in your history. Because I think the frequency with which you had sex during that difficult time, I probably had something similar. I didn’t like it was so traumatic at the time that I wasn’t even about to count the frequency. It’s so painful, because I was comparing myself to my expectations. I was comparing myself to other people. But what we were doing was just we’re doing this dance. If you’re married for a long time, it’s a dance. And sometimes the song is really fast. Sometimes songs really slow. And yeah, definitely our sex life is so much better because we have more bandwidth to give to it. When you have little kids and stuff, it’s like being free from it and then you have postpartum stuff and all that.  So I really agree with what you’re saying that, first of all, don’t compare your sexual relationship with anything, even your own past or your expectations for the future or your friends or some amazingly smart psychologists that you just read a book about and you’re supposed to have three sex three times a week. Like this one guy who used to give lectures talked about how this kind of stuff is a great framework. But don’t compare your present to that. Just merely compare yourself to the person that you want to be, the type of relationship you want to have and work steadily towards that. And you’ll get that because like what Benji was saying, it’s very true, the more that you force the issue, the more of a wedge that you’re driving between you and your spouse. Because you’re not being sympathetic to them, you’re just forcing your will upon them. And that’s the least attractive thing that you could ever do to anybody.

Benjy Uyama  

I think there’s three things I wanted to mention for the listeners. One is that if a couple is experiencing difference in sex drive, I mean, that’s the most normal thing, the most normal experience that couples have regarding the sex relation, especially if they’ve been married for more than a year or more than a few years, lonegr. So if that’s the case, I think absolutely no one should feel strange or different or ashamed or anything like that. For me, as soon as I reached out to people like Andrew, people like uncle David, people that I trusted, respected, that I knew was going through the same thing or been through the same thing. As soon as I did that, things changed. And that’s the power of give and take. Divine Principle, one on one is that everything in the universe is created from given and taken action. And that’s what happened. It’s like somehow, just having created something new and that something new doesn’t happen within our own head, and sometimes not even within our own relationship. So that’s one thing I wanted to mention is that it’s totally normal and can absolutely be overcome and worked out somehow.

Andrew Love  

What else?

Benjy Uyama  

The other thing was Andrew, if you have anything to mention to our single listeners, single folks who are primarily here because they’re struggling with porn and preparing for marriage. How would we apply this to them?

Andrew Love  

I just went on a rampage last night. I was talking to a bunch of youth in New Jersey, but then all over the place. And it’s really like, the greatest thing you can do is figure out what the relationship is between the most important areas of your life. So your heart, your mind, your phone, your time and create a strong vision for that. So the thing that I’m really hot on these days is the North Star goal. As you know, I’m shoving down everybody’s throat. And it’s just like, the best way that I can describe it is picture yourself in two or three months from now and you just have a perfect day. You wake up, and you feel exactly the way you want to feel. You leave your bed and you do the things that you want to do, that you choose to do, whether it’s spiritual or you have the perfect coffee. And then you proceed to have a great day. You are around the people that you love, that love you, that you treat with respect and they reciprocate. And you’re involved in a job that you really care about, a mission, whatever. And then you end up just living your day like that. And then you go to bed. You feel great and that was a perfect day.  What does that look like? If you can start to fill in those details. It says a lot about your life today. I’m guessing that that would not include, “I wasted three hours watching porn.” That probably wouldn’t be a part of your day, if you can envision that. I wasn’t gossiping about somebody. I wasn’t sleeping because I didn’t know how to wake up. It starts to become really clear to stop that you need to rip out of your life in order to have that kind of day and these kinds of habits that you need to start building. So if you’re single, this is a perfect time to start customizing your life. Because when you’re in that state, when you’re really engaged in life, then it becomes clear who a good mate would be. Who’s also like that? Things are very clear when you’re clear. And it’s much easier to make decisions like who a good spouse would be when you are clear.  But when you’re unclear and you’re not doing your spiritual disciplines, you just kind of muddy, you can’t make good decisions. And even if somehow by chance you make the right decision, you will always doubt it, because you didn’t make it from the right place. Could be the right decision, you were in the wrong headspace when you made that decision, you always kind of question it. So get clear. Get clear in your mind and your heart and your spirit. It’s all easy. It’s all muscles. Just got to put in the work every day. 

Benjy Uyama  

Yeah, awesome. 

Andrew Love  

And anything else? Like you really tease people like you talked about how bad things got and then you just want to tell people how you’re doing now?

Benjy Uyama  

Oh, really? Well, let’s just say my wife does enjoy our relationship. Yeah, I’m really so proud of that. We’ve been blessed for 10 years. I mean, for us, it’s a long time. I was pretty, fairly young, when we were blessed. We have two kids. And it’s a lot of ups and downs, a lot to go in there. But I can feel confidently like it took us a good seven years to really feel like we’re in our stride and we’re heading in a really good upward trajectory. Of course, it’s like compound interest again, it’s up and down. But the overall trajectory is really steadily going uphill. And it’s really exciting. I’m just so happy and grateful. I cannot believe that we found our way and we’re finding a way outside of the jungle. And I know that’s the hardest thing in the world. For someone who is inside lost in the jungle, who is struggling with a porn addiction habit. Has a relationship with their spouse or parent that’s really destructive or difficult.  When you find yourself in the jungle, it’s the hardest thing in the world. But like you said, a few months even, like if you have that Northstar goal, it’s very shocking how quickly things can turn around. If you really focus. I think we tend to think like, “Oh, when I’m blessed down the road, things will be different.” “When I’m in a relationship, I’ll get rid of this issue or whatever.” But the reality is that our habits right now, the way we think right now, our porn habit, whatever it is, it affects us right now way more than we think. And it doesn’t even matter what’s going to happen in the future. Because right now is when we’re alive and right now is how everything we do is impacting us.  So I guess for single people, my advice would be that don’t make your future spouse your primary motivation to quit porn. From my experience, talking with folks and I talked about this all the time is that basically 100% of the groups that I’ve been leading, they say that their primary reason to quit porn is for the future spouse. And the problem with doing that, which is a beautiful reason. But the primary problem with doing that is it does not take the impact of our decisions into our current state of being right now. It doesn’t take how my porn habit right now is affecting me in my everyday life right now. Which makes it very hard to quit, and most likely what will happen is that people who have that reason will take their habit for too long into the future and into their relationship until they’re faced with someone who’s looking in the eyes and saying, “it’s either me or it’s porn.” Then they can change, that’s what’s going to happen.

Andrew Love  

So they’re almost doing it for an imaginary spouse that they haven’t had a fight with yet. And the moment that they start to disagree with their spouse, then they don’t have the motivation to stay away from it. That’s true. That’s good.  And also, this is one dude that I was taking care of. He really didn’t get it. He’s like, “I just don’t know why I should stop porn.” Every two weeks, he becomes very cloudy and forgets why he wants to quit porn. And I’m like, “Well, do you really think that these people on the other end of the screen, want you to be watching them? Like, how are they doing? Do you care about them at all?” Like he’s a really compassionate person but I think we’ve just been so accustomed to watching people denigrate themselves for our pleasure and we don’t even have any emotion towards them at all. So to have a stronger motivation now, like you said, instead of some invisible potential spouse in the future is very, very helpful. Extra ammunition. Yeah. So do you have anything left in the tank that you want to release or do you feel satiated?

Benjy Uyama  

I think one thing that came up a few weeks ago with my current group is that we were asking this question, why do you seek out porn? Why do you do it? And that’s something that a lot of people answer with something like because it’s addictive. It’s like, why do people smoke because it’s addictive and it’s stress relief. Of course, those are obvious reasons. But there’s something that is a lot. Of course, those are valid, but there’s something also a lot deeper than that as to why you seek out porn. I think that’s something I really want to delve into more and more right here in the podcast. But yeah, if you have any thoughts on that. I think everyone has different reasons, but the more we can address those internal, more deep seated reasons for why we split up for. I think it’s easier to address them.

Andrew Love  

Yeah, well, let’s get into that another time. I think that deserves its own episode, because it’s really hard for people to see the reason behind the thing that drives their behavior. It’s like it’s really hard to see on that level. Like the question of, “Hey, do you have any trauma that you haven’t dealt with?” And is like, “I don’t know. I don’t.” I’m so curious, is there something in my life that I’ve just buried so deep that I haven’t idea what drives my fearful behaviors. I don’t know. But we can definitely unearth that topic and help people understand to the extent that we understand that we’ve worked with.  So yeah, let’s do that another time. This time, I guess we’ll start wrapping up. And yeah, guys, just please understand guys and gals, please understand that if you are blessed, please don’t compare yourself to anybody else. It’s always good to learn from people who are in a healthy relationship to help inform you. But you are in a unique relationship that has never existed before. There’s never been a you or your spouse ever in history. So the formation of your marriage is entirely unique. So it can be informed from good sources, but you’re creating something totally unique to all of history. So it’s not really good to compare yourself. And if you’re single, yeah, just stay strong. Keep on building, trust me. When I hear some couples are having sex eight times a day, I can guarantee you they don’t have kids. So if you’re single, please enjoy your singleness and use it as a time to bolster yourself up into a really radiant individual. Because at high noon, our goal is to help create radiant couples and radiant families. Families that just ooze love and wholeness and happiness but it starts with individuals. So don’t expect to be happy in the future, if you can’t find happiness here and now.  Want to sign out Benji? Why don’t you close this out? I know, I’m talking too much. 

Benjy Uyama  

Okay, yeah. We’re signing out. Thanks for joining everyone. If you really want to get to the meat of absolute sex and intimacy, right now, as a single person or in your marriage, just think about what you can do to put your spouse and other people before yourself. And have understanding of sympathy, compassion, empathy with them, and you’ll be in good hands, and God will work with you. 

Andrew Love  

Godspeed, everybody. Thank you for listening.  Hey, Andrew Love here. And I wanted to plant a seed in your mind before you go. You see a lot of people when they start to consume our content, they listen to our podcasts, they watch our videos, they read our blogs, they start to believe in the idea of freedom as a possibility for them in their lives. And it is. You can break free from porn. You can build amazing, eternal relationships. But it requires you to make the jump. Requires you to commit to transformation. And that only happens when you invite other people into your journey. You see a lot of people think that because I got into porn by myself, I can get out of it by myself. And that’s the wrong thinking. It’s not about simply removing a negative force from your life. It’s about creating fulfillment and connection and intimacy with other people. So we really recommend first and foremost that you build a team of accountability partners, facilitators, group members, and we can do that. We have all of that waiting for you but you need to first reach out to us. If you already have people in your life that you think can help you. We have online courses that will teach you both how to create a dynamic that works in terms of accountability. But if you don’t have an accountability partner, we already have volunteers who are waiting for somebody to help. We have groups that are waiting for somebody like you. But your role and your job is to merely reach out to us and we can work together with you to create a powerhouse team so that you can build the life of your dreams. We look forward to hearing from you.

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