#44 – Impressions on Sex | Francis & Zaiya Marchitelli

Comment below what you gained from this episode.

Join Sammy as he interviews Francis and Zaiya Marchitelli, who share their remarkable journey of sexual integrity. 

Listen to this lovely couple’s stories and take on how pornography sets unrealistic and illogical expectations and brings it farther from reality. As this couple comes from a multi-racial households, they reflect on their realizations on how important it is to be open and welcoming in your family about sexual struggles. 

In this episode, listeners will further understand that sex is not just a physical thing but has more to do with intimacy. There is no such thing as an instant and perfect way to sex because, at the heart of it all, it boils down to how willing you are to figure things out together to make each other happy. 

  • Francis’ journey with pornography: Exposure & Realizations 
  • How he abandon pornography: High Noon as part of Francis’ life 
  • Zaiyah’s view on his partner’s past situation 
  • Tools that can help you overcome pornography 
  • Expectations vs Reality with sex 
  • Be open about it with your family and children 
  • What it takes to have a great fulfilling relationship 
  • It’s not impossible to be free with pornography 

 

Episode Transcript:

Sammy Uyama: Hello everybody. Welcome, all of our listeners around the world. I’ve got two amazing, super special guests to share with you today. I’m really excited about this episode because of the personal relationship I have with one side of this couple that we have. So, we’ve got Francis Marchitelli and Zaiya Kono. Marchitelli? Are you a Marchitelli yet?

Zaiya Marchitelli: I’m not yet.

Francis Marchitelli: Not officially.

Zaiya Marchitelli: Not officially.

Sammy Uyama: Will you be?

Zaiya Marchitelli: Yes. 

Sammy Uyama: Yeah, okay. Yes. It’s not, it’s used to be a given, right? But not anymore. So hello, you two. Thank you for making time to speak. How are you? Maybe let’s check. That’s it. That’s a boring question. Let’s see. What’s one thing that you guys are excited about to sell that we can celebrate with you?

Francis Marchitelli: I’m excited to finish college. I’ll get my degree soon. It’s pretty cool. Pretty done with school. Do you know what I mean? What are you excited about?

Zaiya Marchitell: Let’s see. Well, I feel like things are opening up again and we can meet up more with like, our friends and stuff, which I’ve missed for a while. So, I’m very grateful for that. Thinking about that makes me very happy.

Sammy Uyama: Okay, well.

Zaiya Marchitelli: Aside from Francis. That’s okay. But it’s also nice to have other friends too. So.

Sammy Uyama: There you go. Everybody, we can see, Francis is going to be finishing up school soon. Yay for you. And Zaiya finally gets to see other people besides Francis. Why I wanted to have you two here and for all you listening, so you know, this, so, is a couple now but Francis, right? He’s someone that’s been involved with High Noon almost from the beginning. For years, he has been involved in many capacities first as a participant and had a lot of breakthroughs with his own sexual integrity, and then even taking the time to turn around and help other people out. Being a facilitator. Being a support person. And is this, anytime High Noon needed something Francis was just there willing to help. You know, sharing testimonies at events. Super dude and someone that has a remarkable story for this is his dedication, preparation for his married relationship, right? And, and being a part of his life during that time and then now seeing him together with Zaiya who are blessed for almost nine months now. And, and it’s just like, the happy ending that we all want to see. So, I wanted to bring, you know, the two of you on to just share that journey so people can get a sense of like, what it, what, what sometimes it takes in order to really prepare for marriage and for the blessing.

Francis Marchitelli: Of course, thanks for having us. 

Zaiya Marchitelli: Yeah. Thank you so much.

Sammy Uyama: So, let’s start. I, you know, this is Love, Life, and Legacy. You know, we talk about sex, it’s a great place to start. So, like with Francis, let’s kind of how you first got involved was, you know, you, you have your interest in breaking your porn and masturbation habit. And so, how about we start with, like, just the basics. How were you first exposed to pornography or introduced to masturbation and, like, kind of its role in your life up until meeting High Noon? 

Francis Marchitelli: Sure. So, I kind of had a bit of a late start with all that stuff, you know. I think probably when I was 20 or so, I was exposed to it. I guess just out of curiosity, you know, I wonder what sex is really like, and I think I just, like looked at a YouTube video or something, you know. And I guess that was the beginning of it. And of course, it came along with masturbation. And, yeah, I mean, it became a recurring thing, not, not too crazy. Not, you know, anyway, it was, it was more of like a monthly thing, you know, for me. And, but either way, you know, it’s still what started off as curiosity and like, okay, whatever. It became a kind of like a guilt or like, a feeling that was obviously eating at me and bothering me and affecting my life in a negative way. And, you know, at that time, I was preparing and trying to find the right person to be with, spend my life with and obviously, I think that, that these issues certainly affected that. It affected I guess my view of sex because I didn’t have any experience with sex. Other than that, wasn’t really something that was talked about in my house much. And, you know, when you have that, that concept of what it is through something like pornography, it’s, I guess, I mean, I don’t know, I couldn’t directly see how it might affect my relationship. But obviously, it’s not a good thing to have in your life. And I think, for me, just kind of created a bad habit. And, you know, feeling if you’re, you’re doing something that you don’t feel good about, you know, and yourself, and it kind of eats you up inside a bit. I don’t think it’s ever healthy for you. Your mental health or anything, you know.

Sammy Uyama: How, this went, how long did this go on for before you felt like I really wanted to do something about this or I needed to do something about this?

Francis Marchitelli: Well, he went on for about two years. Yeah, maybe until I was around 22 maybe the last time I watched pornography. Yeah, 22.  And yeah, I think as time went by, you know, maybe right before meeting high noon, it’s starting to get more intense, you know. I think High Noon came to me like a good time, honestly. Because I was, I was kind of, you know, my whole experience with it was kind of like, not really, like, I wouldn’t call it like an addiction or anything. You know, it was something that I did every now and then. Maybe once or twice a month. But, you know, in the months, the couple months leading up to high noon, it started to get a little more intense, you know. A little more frequent. Maybe a couple of times a week. And, you know, and I think High Noon came at a time that, you know, it could have kind of started to slip into a serious, you know, recurring habit because it was starting to pick up the pace a bit. And I was trying to struggle with this, like, Is this okay? Is it not okay, you know? And I think High Noon kind of came in to, like, lay the foot down and say, “Stop.” You know. Which is good.

Sammy Uyama: So, it was ongoing, and you knew you didn’t like it. It wasn’t so good. So, it’s, you wanted to stop, but it was and then High Noon was kind of like that. Lying in the sand where I guess, maybe like the education you or whatever you heard. You’re like, “Okay, I’m gonna do something about this.”

Francis Marchitelli: Yeah. I mean, of course, when you’re struggling with these things, you always tell yourself, “Okay, I should stop. I should stop. I should stop.” But you know, there’s not really, like, anything out there to tell you why. You know, why you should stop or how you should stop. And I think while these ideas aren’t, you know, they have no route. You’re just telling yourself, “I should stop, I should stop this.” Oftentimes not, you know, not enough. You are always kind of need that kicks, or you only see that reason. I think High Noon gave me those reasons. High Noon gave me those clips that I needed to get, you know, to get going and cutting this out of my life.

Sammy Uyama: Yeah, kicking the balls sometimes, to be honest, right? This will give you. We’re always so nice to you. The, so, what were some of those reasons that you’re like, okay, yeah, this is why I want to stop this, I’m actually making the effort to do it.

Francis Marchitelli: Well, I think at the time, let’s see, it was about four years ago. So at the time, I was, you know, like I said, I was taking my marriage process, seriously. And I want to, anyway, I guess, for me, I’ve always felt like, you know, marriage, the blessing, as we call it, and everything is very important to me. And I want that to be good in my life. You know, I’ve always thought if anything goes wrong in my life, like, everything could fail. You know, I could get sick, whatever, like, the one thing I ask God is that you know, please help me have a good marriage. You know, to have a family. That’s like, if I could just have that in my life go well, then I think I could feel good and fulfilled and happy. You know, and I think, for me, it’s just such an important thing to have that. You know, to have that be good. And I did feel that you know, having pornography, having those issues in my life was not going to help me accomplish that. So I think that was just kind of the reason, you know, I felt. If I want that, if I want to keep that kind of integrity, then this can’t be a part of it. You know, and of course, you know, just the guilt or whatever the bad feeling of having that was not, it’s not a nice thing to have in your life, either. So I think those are the big reasons that kind of pushed me towards taking my recovery seriously.

Sammy Uyama: That’s a, it’s actually really, a lot of people I think would say they want the same thing as what you mentioned. I think it’s really remarkable that you’re able to actually like to look into the future for what you want. And, and like, traceback, what is that, what are the implications of that for me in my life now? Like, you know, what are the seeds that I need to be planning? What are the habits I need to be making? In order to have. That’s, yeah, it’s really awesome to hear. And I guess, you know, we want to talk to you as a couple. So the last question, just for you, Francis would be we, you know, what helped you actually quit? Just you know, there’s a lot of people that listen to this podcast who are struggling with porn. And that, you know, that’s their connection to High Noon is that they’re participating in a program, and they’re trying to quit breaking their own habits. And so, you know, kind of with that in mind, what are the things that helped you?

Francis Marchitelli: Well, I would say it was a mixture of the support, you know, that high noon offered. And just my own, I don’t know, I like to think that I was guided in a good way by something higher, you know. And I think you need to allow that to happen. With high noon, I mean, I guess it was just at the beginning of high noon. I don’t think it was even called High Noon yet. It was, you know, Andrew coming up to a couple of guys in our community and saying, “Hey, we have this idea for this thing. You guys want to try it out and we just meet once a week and talk?” You know, I don’t know if that was the first group of High Noon or what it was, but you know, just being with those people that I grew up with, and, you know, surrounded, surrounded by them. You know, there were people who were newly blessed and there was, obviously, Andrew, who’s married for a long time and had kids. You know, so everyone was kind of at a different part of their lives. And just to be surrounded by people that I knew, people that I cared about, and people who cared about this issue and cared to become better was good for me. And I think having an accountability partner also was really good for me. And, yeah, my accountability partner, he, he’s a great guy. I don’t know if I should say his name on here. But he’s got, James Kernan. Shout out to James Kernan. Who’s wonderful. Who helps with High Noon still, I’m pretty sure.

Sammy Uyama: Yeah. James one of the faders.

Francis Marchitelli: Yeah, he was blessed at that time and he wanted to take it seriously, as well. And I want to take it seriously. And I think he really helped push me and help keep myself accountable for being my best self. And I think I owe a lot, a lot of my, kind of keeping myself in check to him. And anyway, just to be surrounded by that group of people, for me was the biggest thing, you know. I honestly can’t remember any of the High Noon content we talked about at that time. I don’t even know if it’s the same as it is now. Probably not. But, you know, like, just, just that community of people supporting each other, for me, was what really did it in that aspect. Then on my own, you know, it’s, I tell this to people in the group that I facilitate, there are lots of habits that you can get into to help you, you know, overcome temptation or this and that, blah blah during the day. You know, you go work out. You go for a walk. You go, I don’t talk to somebody. But I think for me, the difficult, difficult times came when I was in bed at night, you know, at midnight, and those temptations started to come. And, you know, you’re not about to go work out, you’re not going to go call someone in the middle of the night, you know, you’re not going to go for a walk. And I think in those moments, those habits aren’t there to support you. And those, for me, I felt like those were the moments of true victory when you, yourself, have to put everything aside and decide I’m not going to do this, you know. And that, I think, slowly making those decisions one by one. Having, you know, three victories and one slip up. Four victories, you know. Over, over time, it kind of just became easier, you know. But, I think those were the hardest moments, you know. And for me, that’s what really did it, you know, in addition to the community, supporting me. You know, those individual victories where I had to put my foot down and say no, you know, right now. You know, one by one doing that over and over again, I think that in the end, that’s what would really do it for me.

Sammy Uyama: Wow. So, yeah, you started out, you started, like, I don’t know what helped me and then you just share this awesome journey that you went on. So, I think that’s particularly key that you know, people are looking for, often people they look for the like, the right, like a YouTube video, the right content, the right lecture, the right education, that’ll just kind of inspire them to and will make all the difference. But, you know, for you, you know, you met with your group, and you talked about a lot of High Noon stuff. But, you know, that’s not what you remember from the experience, but just those relationships that you had. And like being with that community of others who wanted the same thing, and we’re really serious about the same area of all of your guys’ lives. And then kind of like developing yourself and you can build up your armor and then you were able to finally victories. Like, yeah, those late-night moments in the dark by yourself, you know, those are the moments of truth. And then you’re focusing on those and like knocking discourages to, uh, you know, over much. We’re looking at like, okay, three victories and then, then I failed. Then, I increased the four victories, and then I fell through. And it’s building up yourself little by little. That’s super cool. Exactly. Anything else?

Francis Marchitelli: No, I mean, I think it’s those things that are important, you know. Surround yourself with people who are helping you. And at the end of the day, it’s you who has to do it, you know. It’s like you have to kind of a step in the right direction when it counts the most. And over time, you will have a winning record. It’s easier. 

Sammy Uyama: Thank you, Francis. Zaiya, I’m curious about like, you know, your perspective, hearing all this? And of course, you guys have talked about this previously. So first, do you have any, like personal brushes with porn? Like something, you stumbled on by any chance? Like, what’s your experience with it?

Zaiya Marchitelli: Oh, no. Actually, I didn’t really, I don’t really have any experience with porn, pornography, or masturbation. Yeah, I wasn’t really introduced to it. 

Sammy Uyama: The reason I asked is that it’s a good context to know. So like, you know, you are fortunate to avoid all these things your whole life. And then, you go into a mastering process with Francis. And then, so like, what was it like for you? And like, he introduced these things and like, as a, you know, as a female kind of perspective, being in a relationship with someone who. How has that felt for you? Like, knowing this person’s history of like, looking at porn and masturbating. And, yeah, like, what was that for you?

Zaiya Marchitelli: I didn’t really think so much of it. I think because I heard like High Noon content before or like, I never attended a thing, but I knew what they’re about and they’re empty pornography. So I know, I was learning more. That it’s more of a, like, common kind of habit people have that they’re kind of hiding and tries to help people to solve this. I was aware of that. And then I hear many, especially many brothers struggle with it. And many sisters, too. But I, but someone, someone said, like, “Oh, like 100% of brothers struggle with that.” I was like, “What the heck.” But then, so I guess I wasn’t like, like, it wasn’t like a big, like, shock for me to hear that. But then, I know that I was very, very grateful that he kind of was not struggling with that anymore. I didn’t have any matching process before with anybody. So nobody like I knew I struggled with it and I didn’t know about it or whatever. But I heard from other friends that, like, they know somebody or something like their husband. Like after they were blessed for many years, this problem came up and it was so heartbreaking. It didn’t work out or whatever things but that I was very grateful to hear that he kind of was, he had worked on it and he was not, did not struggle with it anymore. And I was just thinking, like, I feel like if he, if he was to like, have approached me, and we were like, in a matching process or something, and he was not a he, he had this issue and was not working on it. I think I feel very, like, more like devalued or kind of, like, less trusting of him or something. I feel like so I just feel very grateful that for High Noon, and that he could also overcome this. And, yeah. I don’t know. I think it’s, I don’t think about it so much because it’s not like an issue, I guess. But yeah, think about it, like what it could have been, I feel very grateful for, for his hard work and everybody who helped him.

Sammy Uyama: I mean, that’s great. Just to hear and reflect on kind of how, like what you have, the things that you have in your relationship. To trust that what might not be possible had that been in the middle of your relationship. And, of course, I think it’s, it’s easy to imagine that it’d be very difficult to trust a person who, you know, has this habit they are very uncomfortable with. And whatever, either they’re trying to quit and unsuccessfully doing so and all the things that would make you feel or maybe like they don’t think it’s an issue and are not interested in quitting and how that would make you feel. So yeah, it’s like the trust. That’s the word you said, right? So they’re able to develop with one another and would definitely be impacted, I think. Francis, actually, what was it like for you to share with Zaiya those experiences?

Francis Marchitelli: To be honest, I don’t really remember. 

Sammy Uyama: Yeah, okay. 

Francis Marchitelli: But I knew that I do remember wanting to just ensure her that it was not part of my life. You know, that’s, because I mean, I didn’t know what her experience with it, it was, or her concepts or whatever. Where because we didn’t really know each other. But I did, you know, know that it was an issue in the relationship. So I thought maybe, you know, be something she’d think about. Such as, I don’t know, I guess for me it was nice to just tell her like, “Hey, this is not an issue in my life.” And I guess, that’s all I remember. Just being happy to be able to tell her that.

Sammy Uyama: Well, I hope you don’t take for granted that ease that you both had with it. You know, it’s, it’s a, it’s like the watershed conversation for a lot of matching processes. It’s like, a guy, you know, it’s typically that guy, right? You know, but whatever case, but the guy’s like, “Ah.” You know, “I got it. I’m gonna I got to tell her right. I don’t know how she’ll react.” Right? And it, regardless of their even if their years are clean or still in the midst of it, it’s scary for a lot of people. Okay. Wow. So, I guess I wanted to highlight that part of your story because I, Francis, you this is, this is one of many areas that you’ve invested a lot into developing yourself, your character specifically for preparing for your future marriage, and you know, your relationship now with Zaiya. And so, like, looking back, you’re blessed for nine months now. Like, what are some of the things or in what ways do you think that those experiences he had helped you in like, and whatever the kind of person had to become. When the habits you had to make. The kind of communication skills you need to develop or anything like that. Is it, have you noticed that, that those tools that you developed have helped you in any particular way?

Francis Marchitelli: No. I mean, I guess, you know, pornography and all those issues are things that die in honesty. You know, an honest, open community. So I guess, it’s a good habit, to be honest, and open with your spouse. Which I think for me has been beneficial in being with her. And, yeah, and it’s just good habits. You know, it’s, uh, yeah, definitely, I mean, affects, it affects your sexual relationship, of course, you know. I can’t, you know, it’s nice to have a good sexual relationship, and it’s nice to not have that be in the way, you know. It’s nice to not compare my wife to something else.

Sammy Uyama: Yeah, that’s, I mean, that’s such a that’s such an important aspect of marriage, right? It’s like, they, like I’ve heard said that you know, fundamentally, the only difference between having a spouse and having a roommate is that you’re having sex with one of them. Otherwise, you’re just, you know, without sex, marriage is just a logistical thing. It’s like, who’s gonna do the dishes, right? It’s like, who’s paying the bills? That kind of stuff. And it’s really the unique aspect of a relationship. Yeah, so you guys are also you know, in our circles, it’s really, it’s, it’s normal. And even, you know, it’s expected to, you know, to be abstinent until you’re in marriage until you’re blessed, or in a marriage relationship. But for like, I’m sure you, you know, it’s unusual in most circles, and for most people. So you both went into this relationship, or with no experience with sex. Maybe some concepts, you know, some ideas about what to be like, but like, no actual experience. So like, which you know, High Noon, we, personally, think is like the best way to prepare for a relationship. And that’s also completely counter to it intuitive to what people say how you should prepare for sex. Like the general idea about sex is that, oh, you should kind of go into it with already a refined palate. Like already understanding what you like, and what you don’t like, and, and how to do everything. But you know, we think it’s a lot funnier to do it the way you guys did it. It’s like you just complete newbies, and you have to figure everything out together. So, like, you know, what, what was it been like for you this past nine months, like exploring sex within a relationship? And you know, like, maybe, so what are some concepts that you thought you like sex would be like that you were surprised to realize we’re actually so accurate? 

Francis Marchitelli: Well. I mean, as a guy, to be honest, you know, you’re expecting it to be this crazy mind-blowing, like, the ultimate pleasure of epic proportions, you know. And it’s not that, but it’s, I don’t know, it’s just different. It’s different from what I expected. I’m not in a bad way, of course. In just a different way. It’s good. It’s great. I love it. But it’s, you know, it’s like, I always imagined the first time being this like, “Whoo. Crazy.” You know, when the first time was like, “Oh, what are we doing? I don’t know.” Still feels nice, but like, it just, it’s gotten better over time, I think. And, you know, we’ve figured out how to do things in a way that makes us both happy. And then, we both enjoy it. And I think, you know, as time goes by as well, for me, it becomes also, you know, I feel more connected to our heart through it. Yeah because at the beginning it’s just kind of like, “Oh. it’s fun.” You know. But I think now, yeah, as time goes by, I feel more about connection, intimate connection with my spouse. 

Sammy Uyama: So, as you’re like, kind of realizing sex, treating sex not just like a physical thing, but more as like an intimate, like an as like an intimacy creator between you.

Francis Marchitelli: Definitely. 

Sammy Uyama: What about Zaiya, what kind of concepts that you have about sex prior?

Zaiya Marchitelli: Yeah, everything I know is from, probably from, like, Hollywood movies and stuff, like them, whatever they put on there. But so I don’t really know actually. I didn’t really yeah, I had, I didn’t know what to expect. But, let’s see. But I feel like one thing was like, because in the movies and like, even people like in school, it’s like, they like have like, one night stands and hook up with people they don’t really know. And then, and then I feel like, kind of getting to know each other first, and then, and then getting married. And then kind of waiting 40 days and doing like preparing ourselves for this moment. I feel like it made a difference in that like it was, it was like a fun thing. Like, “Oh, we’re gonna experience this together.” Not like I had to like, like, impress somebody or something. Of course, you still, want to impress your husband. But it was like a, like a, I don’t know, like, we both don’t know what we’re doing. So, let’s see what happens kind of thing. I feel like that was very, like, kind of, like pure, and I think it I don’t know, it was a very special I feel like to have that experience like that.

Sammy Uyama: That, that’s really, I think, really precious to really, I think it’s a real level of vulnerability, just to like admit your, your, like, unawareness of an area. And just like, willingness to figure out together and not feel like you need to, like to pretend to be I know exactly what to do, or yeah, but like, willing to try some things out, make mistakes and look foolish, maybe, but just do it together. What surprised you about sex, Zaiya?

Zaiya Marchitelli: I guess one thing is how kind of a bonding thing it is. Like, maybe at first, like, I feel like I think the brothers like to do it more maybe. And then, sometimes I’m kind of like, I don’t really not in the mood, or I’m like, I have many things to do, or I’m very busy today. And then, I’m a little bit like, maybe like, like, like a distant with him. Like, can you like to do something else right now? But I think after we do it that I feel a lot closer to him and, like, kind of like, I don’t know, I think it is a very bonding thing and you realize what’s most important. And then, how much of it like, yeah, it’s really like for the other person that you do, and then you also makes you feel good after somehow. I feel like that was a realization.

Sammy Uyama: I could just, I could just imagine Francis just like a little puppy dog. Just like coming up to you like. Wanting some like love and attention. You’re like,”Not now. I’m busy.”

Zaiya Marchitelli: I feel like that’s exactly what happened. 

Sammy Uyama: Francis, what are you? What surprised you about sex? 

Francis Marchitelli: What surprised me? It’s not as easy as it seems. It’s not taken us a while to figure out how to, you know, make her cum. Took us 40 tries actually. 

Zaiya Marchitelli: Really? 

Francis Marchitelli: Exactly. Yeah.

Sammy Uyama: That’s, that’s significant. It’s providential.

Francis Marchitelli: Yeah, right? And then, it took us, you know, even longer to figure out how to do it, you know, in a different way. And yeah, I think for me, that was the biggest surprise was like. Because yeah, like she said, Hollywood, pornography, all these things. It’s, like, looks so easy, especially in movies. People take each other’s clothes off, and they go, boom, boom, boom, and already, everyone’s at the climax. It’s like, you know, for us, it’s like, a, it’s like, not easy. It takes a lot of effort. It takes a lot of work. It takes like, actual, like, conscious, like, investment. It’s like something that happens all of a sudden. Maybe for the guy, but, you know, for the girls definitely way more difficult to, to make it happen. So, I think for me, that was a huge surprise. Yeah, that was probably the biggest surprise for me.

Sammy Uyama: Yeah, that’s really important point that I think the goal for every, for every couple having sex is that both, that’s joyful both, right? And, and yeah, the woman typically needs more. It’s more complicated, right? So that’s a really great point you shared about how 40 times, right? It just like it took a long time to figure out how to make it a good experience for both. And because I think a lot of new couples, they get really discouraged by that fact. Where like they want both parties, parties want it to be nice, but if they can’t figure it out. And you know, after the first couple times, they get more and more frustrated, but you guys kept going, right? And then all the way up to number 40 and I’m sure that what took you like, at least a week. Yeah, but beautiful. Thank you for sharing that point. I think that’s really, I think a good thing for people to take away is just like they keep trying, keep learning. And I know you, you know, you’ve reached out to I’m sure many people to like, ask questions and, and figure things out. And both of you just, you know, kind of kept at it and kept trying and exploring new things. And yeah, it’s such a it’s true, it is really complicated to figure things out. Like new positions, and like, new like, where do you know, gravity is a real thing, right? And bodies are really heavy. All right, and like, where do your hands go? Where do your legs go? It’s, it is all these logistical things that you never really consider and then, like that you take for granted just watching movies or something.

Francis Marchitelli: Yeah, right. It’s weird to after a life with so much like trying to have sexual integrity, it’s weird to like, go on the internet and look at best positions for this. It’s like, it just feels odd.

Sammy Uyama: Yeah, it’s also, it’s kind of like a milestone to learn how to navigate well. It’s like, it’s like this faucet, right? It’s like, you have to just squeeze it tight all your single life and then as soon as you’re married, you’d like to turn it on, and the water starts flowing. And it’s this transition. It’s like, you know, how do I, how do I handle this appropriately? Where like, I’m, uh, allowed to be sexual and like, and to, to, like, entertain my, my sexual desires and fantasies. So, anything, anything else to add? Like some things that surprised you about sex?

Zaiya Marchitelli: I feel like his family, he’s very open with his family. So his parents, I think this whole family knew about when we ended our 40 days and everything. And they were like, it was, like, kind of like a joke, but like, in it, because we were in Spain. And then, and then and then, and then, his, his, his dad was like, “Oh, should we pray for you? What time are you? 12 o’clock?” And he’s like, “Oh, can you do it an hour later? I think that’s when the wheel of fortune is on. Watch it.” And then, and then like after that when we came to their house, and then I would go do exercise with his mom. She’d be like, “How’s it going? Did you figure it out?” And I was like, “Oh my god.” Like, oh, it’s okay but I feel a lot of like, I think his family is very supportive with that and I guess with his kind of journey of pornography as well. I feel like it was a very, very good, very good family and they, I don’t know, support us now with everything. And they try their best not to make it awkward even though it’s a little bit because we’re parents but it’s really, I think there’s a lot of support with that in our like our parents and older generations, which helps a lot I think.

Francis Marchitelli: Spanish-Italian, didn’t know space. No personal space in those two countries.

Sammy Uyama: Wow. Yeah, that would be a surprise. Just like yeah, to your each of you to families, I’m just have very different ways of approaching sex. I guess for each of you growing up. And yeah, yeah, that would be a shock. Yeah, Zaiya, how is sex approach in your family? Your German-Japanese household.

Zaiya Marchitelli: Yeah, it wasn’t, it was not, it was never brought up. Like nothing. It’s like a. Yes and it will be very awkward to bring up something like that to the family. But yeah, it was very different with his family but, but it’s nice. We’re open with it.

Sammy Uyama: So, yeah. What, like what after experiencing all these two different sides like, how would you want to relate with sex like with your children? What do you guys think? What, what do you guys want?

Zaiya Marchitelli: Just to be a bit open with it. I think like, I appreciate that about your family how there. I guess, when you were kids, they were not?

Francis Marchitelli: Yeah, when the time is right. Of course. 

Zaiya Marchitelli: Yeah. On the certain age to be open about it and then definitely bring them up, bring, raise them up with what sexual integrity. And then to know the values of that and the kind of like possible life course they can have if they really can keep their integrity and how much happiness they can have. 

Sammy Uyama: So like, say the ones, they’re, they’re blessed themselves in relationship and you know, like, how, what kind of level open stool do you guys want? You want like, bring the fruit basket for the, for you know, their first night. Be like, “Hey, congratulations.” You want to be like knocking on the door and be like, go slower or something? Yeah, you don’t have to answer that question. So, okay, here’s, I guess my last question for you two regarding sex. So, fairly new still nine months, but you know, you’ve gone from zero to one is like the biggest transition, right? So, you’ve got the most learning curve and you experienced the most development during that time period. And so like, what have you guys learned in this during this time about what it actually takes to have a great fulfilling sexual relationship?

Francis Marchitelli: I think, I mean, for me, I think it takes you know, a desire to make the other person feel happy and have a good time. I get a lot of, maybe even more like, satisfaction out of seeing her, you know, orgasm or, or enjoy it, you know, than myself, honestly. I mean, I still really like it what happens to me too, but, you know, and I, and I, and I also enjoy when she goes out of her way to do whatever, you know, for me.

Zaiya Marchitelli: Yeah, for me, too. I feel like really caring about the other person is, is a very key. I feel like he is always thinking of caring for me when we do it. And then, I feel a lot of love from that and.

Sammy Uyama: I think it’s beautiful. It’s, it’s so, seems so simple and fundamental. Just like having a genuine desire to make another person happy. It’s, like, almost too simple, right? And you’ll never see that on the cover of Cosmo for Lino. 12 ways to make him better coming back for more. In all these tips and all that you know, it’s like all these concepts people have like, you got to have a big dick or you gotta like, know, the right moves or it’s, it’s actually nonsense, right? And.

Francis Marchitelli: Yeah, it really is.

Sammy Uyama: It’s this, yeah, I think what you just shared is just at the core of it all is just, and that you, and if it sounds too simple, just because it is. It’s just like, of course, there’s things you need to learn, you’ve experienced, there’s, like, techniques, and there’s, like, things you have to learn about each other’s biology, or anatomy. But like, at the heart of it all, it’s just like, I just really want to make this person happy. And you each have that heart, and it takes you so far. That will guide you through all the things you need to learn and the things you need to know.

Francis Marchitelli: Yeah, absolutely. 

Zaiya Marchitelli: I think so. Yeah, for sure.

Sammy Uyama: Yeah. So, all I can say, again, is just thank you. You know, it’s, it’s really inspiring to hear you guys talk so openly about you guys sex life, as fresh as it is. And just, I really, if anything, you know, want to just use this as a special shout out to you, Francis, in particular. To, as a just acknowledging the years that you’ve done, that you’ve dedicated specifically for this relationship. And I hope you guys are enjoying the lot. And Zaiya, I know, you’ve equally prepared and done as much. I acknowledge it. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I can’t speak to it as intimately as I can to Francis. As a personal friend, Francis, thank you for saying yes to this crazy guy, and going along with, and, and dedicating the rest of your life to one another.

Zaiya Marchitelli: Thank you. Thank you so much for your investment in him and not giving up even though I’m sure it was hard, it was a hard one to correct.

Sammy Uyama: Francis is like a role model of recovery, right? It was not difficult in any way. Always looking for the victory in whatever the situation is in. To look, to move forward, to move forward. Never allowed himself to get stuck. Yeah, it was not difficult at all. All right, well, maybe we’ll with that. We’ll wrap up. If you any let, I’ll let you guys wrap us up some closing words. All of our listeners, think about, you know, people who are single, who are working towards where you have, people who are also in a relationship who would also like what you guys have. You know, what would like to say them?

Francis Marchitelli: I would say, you know, especially the you know, people struggling with pornography. Just, you know, don’t forget that you can be free of it. It’s not like, I don’t know, it’s not impossible, you know. And it seems, I remember when I started, I remember thinking like, everyone does this, you know. Like how, how can you find a person who doesn’t do it? You know, and I remember, I shared, remember Andrew saying, like, I haven’t masturbated or anything. I remember how many years it was at least 10. And I remember even thinking like, “No, that can’t be true.” You know, I even married people every now and then it happens, you know, maybe not porn, but at least masturbation. You know, but I don’t know, I guess it’s just eye-opening. And it’s real, you know, to know that. Yeah, actually, it’s not really a thing that you want in your life And it’s not, you know, it doesn’t need to be there. And I think that you should just believe that. Yeah, believe that, that, you know, even though it seems like the whole world does it, which is true, to an extent. You know, that it’s not, it’s not something that you need to have in your life, really. And I think life is much better without it, personally. 

Sammy Uyama: Thank you. Zai, what about you?

Zaiya Marchitelli: I don’t know, I, whatever, everybody, whatever state everybody’s in. I hope they can do their best and you’ll get where you need to be. And don’t give up. And I hope everyone can find their eternal love as well soon. You’re definitely will. You’re totally worth it. And they’re out there somewhere. And you will find them soon. 

Sammy Uyama: Wow, I want to say I’d love to hire you to write all my fortune cookies. That was great. Thank you. Thank you, too, for joining us today. And everybody listening, thank you for tuning in. We will see you next time. 

Francis Marchitelli: Thank you.

 

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#49 – ‌High Noon 2021 Launch

This makes for a lovely episode: listen to an inspiring and enchanting love story of High Noon Families’ the School of Love project directors, Jario and Leena Vincenz-Gavin. 

Married for 13 years, these two have grown a lot and discovered many things about themselves, their work, and each other. Apart from being the fuel for families to mend their relationships, they also became a role model for couples working in the same environment, believing that learning about each other’s strengths and weaknesses will help create that perfect balance in marriage and relationships. 

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