Comment below what you gained from this episode.
We have another intriguing and relevant episode for you! Andrew and Yun-A Johnson talk about how heavily Hollywood portrays sex and how it skews the viewer’s perception and dilutes or even adulterates our perception of what sex should be.
- Yun-A talks about what couples usually ask about sex in marriage
- Sex in Hollywood and TV shows
- Andrew talks about how young men struggle with the concept that sex is for the other person
- Andrew on living and loving for the sake of the other person
- God’s design for sex
- Being brainwashed about dating and relationship
- Creating a great marriage but not based on superficial sex
- Yun-A on talking to God and being empowered
Andrew Love 00:00
All right, Welcome back, everybody to another day here on planet earth and Love, Life and Legacy. We have a lot of episodes with just Sammy and me, blah, blah, blah-ing, sharing our hearts and our thoughts. But every once in a while we’re graced with people that were really inspired by and we do a lot of due diligence to make sure that we curate the best possible guests. And this one is very special because she’s worked with us a bunch and she supported us back when she was in Europe. She, she went out on a limb and supported a ragtag team of crazies, come to Europe, and talk about sex with Europeans, where a lot of people that, “No, that’ll never work”, Americans talking to Europeans about sex, no way, which is kind of our bridge because she was like our covert agent an American in Europe. She could be a cultural translator. But more than that she’s extremely passionate about the topic of sexual integrity. And incidentally, she’s got an amazing Instagram page where she helps people stay organized. And when she made a video for High Noon it was, how to keep your mind organized, which is, which is really cool. So before I introduce her, I’m going to ask her a question because there’s a hot debate, a hot raging debate about the pronunciation of her first name.
Yuna Johnson 01:26
Andrew Love 01:27
And it got into, like an intense debate on a meeting of ours once, because I said it was Yuna. And then Sammy said, “No, Benji says it’s Yona”. And then I was like, “No, because I’m calling you enough for all this time, and she’s never corrected me. And she’s not Canadian. Canadians would just let you mispronounce names all day. “No, buddy, listen up. This is my name”. So I would love… This is my kind of preamble introduction, but I’m gonna let you say your own name, loud and proud today. On the record, it can be said, it can be stated.
Yuna Johnson 02:03
Andrew Love 02:04
What is your official name? Okay, here we go.
Yuna Johnson 02:07
Here we go. It’s Yun-a.
Andrew Love 02:10
Oh, I’m totally wrong. Wow!
Yuna Johnson 02:13
No, it’s not easy. It’s not Yona, it’s not… Yeah, it’s hard though I kind of, I’m Canadian, I’ve let it slide because my parents, it was gonna be Yuna. It was a given name. And then my parents changed the U to like a short U sound Yun like fun or run. But, they just totally did that on their own, but it’s made it confusing. And in Europe, it’s easier, Yuna, in a lot of languages so, but Yun-a, Yun like fun.
Andrew Love 02:43
So a soft, soft, Yuna and because you accept other pronunciations just based on the fact that you’re probably sick and tired of correctly explaining it.
Yuna Johnson 02:51
It’s really explaining it. Yeah.
Andrew Love 02:54
Got it. Well, thank you for joining us. It’s nighttime and you’re in New Jersey, right?
Yuna Johnson 03:02
Yep. New Jersey.
Andrew Love 03:03
Sweet. And your recent import, you’re, you were in Europe and Norway, and now you’re in New Jersey.
Yuna Johnson 03:11
Andrew Love 03:12
Well, you were born and raised where?
Yuna Johnson 03:15
Born actually in New York, but mostly raised in Maryland, DC area. I lived a lot of places. So around the world. Third culture kid, as they say.
Andrew Love 03:26
And you I mean, is it weird for your family? Because they’re the, when I met your kids and especially your husband, they’re super European and Scandinavian nonetheless. And so New Jersey’s a far cry from kind of the, the peaceful state.
Yuna Johnson 03:41
Yeah, but you know, it’s kind of funny because right now we’re in this unusual situation where we’re at home.
Andrew Love 03:48
Yuna Johnson 03:49
So my husband, Alexander asked Kevin, my youngest son, you know, what’s your fav- How do you like America? He’s like, I like it. What’s your favorite thing? We’re always home.
Andrew Love 04:02
Yuna Johnson 04:02
That’s America for now. Now I really got a taste and the same with you know, driving, it’s just less people. It’s not the compact, New Jersey, so it’s a little bit of a buffer
Andrew Love 04:09
Yuna Johnson 04:15
Andrew Love 04:17
Just for reference this is, we’re still in the midst of the pandemic here.
Yuna Johnson 04:24
Andrew Love 04:24
Around the world, on planet earth and you might be listening to this in 2023. But, Yuna transferred for a job from Europe to New Jersey. The job is in New York, but right at a time when basically the economy’s shut down. So you got in, you got in just in time. I mean, that job wouldn’t have been on the table if this happened like a month earlier or two months earlier. Right?
Yuna Johnson 04:51
Andrew Love 04:52
You squeaked in there for better, for worse you got in there just in the nick of time.
Yuna Johnson 04:56
Yeah, it’s pretty, pretty fascinating, but I’m glad to be here. I really did miss the US, living here. So I’m happy for this adventure for our family.
Andrew Love 05:05
So the first time I saw you, I have to say, in Europe outside of your element, I mentioned in America, but then for some I saw you in Europe, you were speaking in front of a group of young leaders about sex and about marriage. And you were, you turned up the American level to like 12, you know. And you were like, rah rah. And I love it like I was, I was, I was looking around and some of them were really into it, but some of them were so alarmed because they’re not used to be like, to be spoken that, like that.
Yuna Johnson 05:41
Yeah, and too fast. People would say, “I couldn’t understand, it was too fast.” Get excited, and English is not the first language.
Andrew Love 05:48
But you’re so into it. And you, what you were talking about was the Hollywood version of what sex is versus the reality of sex versus even contrasting what sex could be in the heavenly culture, right?
Yuna Johnson 06:05
Andrew Love 06:05
I’d love to talk about those three things like the, what is presented by hollywood, hollywood, what most people experience? And then what, what could be? What, what is like the best version of sex that people don’t have access to because I don’t hear people talking about it. I’d love to get into that in this episode with you because I was really enthralled by it. And you seem to have put a lot of thought into it.
Yuna Johnson 06:27
Andrew Love 06:28
But what, I wanted to know like what, what got you so passionate about this topic?
Yuna Johnson 06:34
Yes. So it’s interesting. And I think the place to start after refer to like, the unification is tradition, that there’s this term called absolute sex.
Andrew Love 06:49
Yuna Johnson 06:49
I don’t know if that’s been talked about in another podcast, and the founder…
Andrew Love 06:53
You should definitely translated it.
Yuna Johnson 06:55
Andrew Love 06:55
Because it’s like the weirdest term.
Yuna Johnson 06:57
Andrew Love 06:58
And people were like, “Absolute sex! Yeah! I’m absolutely about absolute-” It’s very easy to mis-contextualize.
Yuna Johnson 07:05
Right? And that, that’s kind of what it was like, what does that mean? Because that term was being used a lot. And so for me, that was something that I always was kind of personally researching or trying to understand more. So, just something where I would read about it in different of like, different texts and from, you know, references from Reverend moon who would use the term and, and then I also would say, I was speaking like earlier before, before I was married with other like, I remember particularly one person, she was a couple years older than me, and I think they had a baby. And she just made this comment one time about the difference of like, sex with God and sex without God like this sort of heavenly concept. And to me that really struck me like, “Okay, what what does that mean?” And this was before I was even in any relationship, I was like, I want to know, obviously, there’s a difference and it’s way better. But also like, what does that mean? Really? And so that’s just been my own, like curiosity from there. But what really sparked this, to this sort of sense of comparing it all with Hollywood, and, you know, just grasping that actually are concepts, even within you know, marriages and people who have lived a life of purity saving themselves to marriage and as a couple, still I think that God’s original intention for sex, that’s why I’d like to call it original sex, I guess, instead of absolute sex or heavenly sexuality, we have a different terms right, but kind of what’s God’s real hope for it because God’s the designer, you know, God designed everything of this creator. Our bodies and sex is so key for everything, love, life, lineage.
Andrew Love 08:55
Yuna Johnson 08:55
And so it’s, you know, super area. That’s also I think, because of that, because it’s sort of like the very beginning, it got. There’s this confusion from early on. So, this concept really to me, I find it fascinating that we don’t even fully know. And I like to do like, someone in those talks you were referencing when I talk about it. I started doing like a pie chart of this idea that like, the fullness of the sexual experience that it was originally sort of hoped for by God, and what Hollywood shows is just a small portion. And what people experience in like, you know, a long term relationship in marriage committed together as a couple is a chunk of that. But there’s still so much more that we don’t know from our own concepts and things because of what we’ve grown up with and our own experiences. So this yeah, so I’m excited. You want to talk about that.
Andrew Love 09:56
I do, yeah.
Yuna Johnson 09:56
And I try to explain, I feel like it’s a thing and I really appreciate what your doing in the podcasts that it’s, I think there’s so much to learn from all of us each other and what we experience so… kind of, so a lot of gathering of my own experiences and supporting couples. But what really sparked me to go deeper into this was a conversation I had with some, I think they were like, youth leaders, for high schoolers. And it was at a workshop, like a marriage preparation workshop that we were doing.
Andrew Love 10:36
Yuna Johnson 10:37
And they asked a question about, you know, in a, in a loving relationship in a marriage, you know, there are several questions they asked, but like, “Is it okay to watch porn as a couple?” And certain things they’re saying, like as you decide, and some reason, something in me just really like and they recently brought it up because they said, you know, we don’t even know where else to ask this question. And these are questions we’re getting from our high school students that we’re taking care of, supporting. And we don’t know how to answer, like, what would be God’s viewpoint on this. And so it’s like, man, we got to start talking about this more. And that’s where I spent a lot of time researching and really getting into how can I share about that. And I’ve always been someone who’s more, I didn’t imagine myself to be up, like you described, on the stage, passionate talking about sex in front of all these young people. But like, the more that I got into this idea, like we don’t know, we have no idea fully like what God’s vision for it is. And we gotta just start talking about it more and together and provide a stronger voice behind that. What’s out there because just so superficial, and so shallow and external focus. It’s part of it, but it’s missing a whole lot. And I feel like the world and Hollywood so many times, it’s so like, sex obsessed, right? But still there like, it’s just missing so much of the depth of behind it.
Andrew Love 12:01
No, I love this. And I just want to dig a little bit deeper.
Yuna Johnson 12:05
Andrew Love 12:06
Just because I think you’ve ruminated on it a lot. And it means a lot to you. And I want to, try to translate it as bare essentials as possible, so that people can understand like, like we’re, we’re so blind to the potentiality of sex because we think we know what it is but we’re so misinformed that we actually don’t even know on a very base level of what sex is. I, in my opinion is based off of what were spoon fed from a very early age and to start to see and understand and experience something else is like it’s, it’s almost shocking to see like, how have we been so far off right? So I would love for you to… Okay, what, what, what in particular is, is presented by a Hollywood in terms of sex that you feel is is totally off base, that is a total kind of lie.
Yuna Johnson 13:08
Yeah, well I’ll start with the first one because it really irks me like I feel like hollywood and tv shows there’s so many references. It’s that one, and your High Noon is addressing this with pornography. But a lot of times I remember this also as a couple that that was both pornography and masturbation were encouraged as like ways to discover your what you like and ways to please each other. And it always, it bothered me because I was like, that doesn’t really make sense. And so this, that was the first one that I started thinking, Okay, what’s the original vision there and I came up with this. I use this talk phrase a lot, but like, creativity over comparison, like the sense that you know, you’re not, you don’t need to get more excitement and ideas from watching other couples pornography, but actually this idea that the excitement comes from creating something together focusing on your couple and discovering also what your partner likes. And that’s the same with the masturbation, masturbation ideas, finding what you like. So you can tell your partner, but actually, it’s more the idea of how you can, your partner can discover that and this idea that sex is first and foremost, supposed to be a way of learning how to live for the sake of each other. And that’s what gets so twisted, where it’s like, it’s so often like, I know my needs, and you’re not meeting my needs instead of how can I discover your needs and make that exciting? And you discover my need and not the sense of like, I feel like my needs are not being met, because that’s usually the underlying a lot of times, focus and okay, how do we make it more exciting? Well, we got to look at this other couple that has it together with these false images or images, you know, all these things, but it’s not actually focused on really loving the other person and that’s where the excitement comes and creativity and no need to compare wonder what you know, what other couples are like, what you’re supposed to be like, because I feel like Hollywood is so much sometimes a show in a way of the sort of just fantasy idea of images or what something supposed to be like. And even I feel like that really affects a lot of couples early on because like, depending on the couple if they were waiting for a lot of tradition, that was my experience, you know, I clicked, I waited until to have sex. I say, like abstinence before marriage. And so of course, in the beginning, you’re figuring it out. I think Sammy talks about this a lot. But, and to enjoy that instead of feeling all this pressure and expectations like, I feel like Hollywood, even the way they designed people’s like, first night out, these things they show it’s so focused on a sense of like showing off or externally. And if you get what I mean, but like it’s more about showing off than it is about really, or feeling good about yourself than it is about really making the other person feel good. And that’s kind of the root of a lot of the other areas you could compare. But that’s when I started really thinking, “Okay, no, this is, what would be, what’s the original way of discovering how to make each other happy and excitement”. And you know, this idea that you, this other idea, which I think uncle Dave and Mitsy they talk about this a lot and you can see it, they like, as you get older, it just gets better and better. You know, that’s another concept that married couples or that they you know, they were as you get older the sex becomes worse or through you’re married. But no, how does that excitement keep growing and getting better and better. And that’s really from knowing that you can give, there’s always like you can always give, you can always find out more and discover more about a person. That’s how we should be, you know, in our relationships, not assuming that we know this person so well or that we get into, you know, sexually, we know each other. This is what we do, and losing that sense of excitement because it’s focused on, when you get focused on ourselves, you know, instead of finding creative ways. Creativity really comes from giving and looking for ways to give to another person, or a lot of, it was one of my favorite quotes about art to, I think it’s like Van Gogh, he said, discover that the most creative thing is loving others. So interesting, because I feel like that applies in so many ways, the gifts, the things that we come up with. It’s out of that love for someone else and same sex.
Andrew Love 16:24
Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, it sounds, it sounds to me like you’re touching on kind of entitlement and ownership because that’s like, no, it’s a concept that we try to explain as, at High Noon and it really is confronting for many people because when you like the idea of, “Oh, I own my, my genitals, I own my sexual reproductive organs. I, it’s mine. And so therefore, I can do whatever I want”. That’s the clear, expressed viewpoint of society at present, right? It’s like, “This is mine,
Yuna Johnson 18:36
Andrew Love 18:36
I can do whatever I want with it. Shut up and leave me alone”.
Yuna Johnson 18:40
Andrew Love 18:40
Whereas, and that, just that, that bleeds into relationship. Because I mean, I get reports all the time, I’m, I help a lot of young men. And they really, it’s ha- it’s so hard for them to adopt the idea that sex is for the other person because whenever that person is away for a day or two, then they just, you know, start watching porn again or start masturbating. And it’s like, it’s really hard to disconnect from that. There’s such a strong current towards… Independence, right?
Yuna Johnson 19:15
Andrew Love 19:16
Because I guess there might have been a need perhaps, if you look at like history, just like in Divine Principle it talks about origin division union. Now, now’s the time that okay, people have exercised their independence, great, but we’re also experiencing massive amounts of isolation in society and probably a huge reason is because we don’t know how to stop being so independent. Right? That’s another concept from Stephen Covey. That’s, that I really like which is like you need to go through total dependence in life, dependence to independence to interdependence, and that interdependence is like, that is the hardest part which is to know that you could be fine by yourself, but to choose to give the best of yourself to another person, it’s a choice, at that level of your choice, not dependent on them, but you choose to give yourself to them. That’s like a sense of maturity.
Yuna Johnson 20:15
It is. And I also, the thing, you know, going even in more depth because I was thinking about that to, this awareness, but actually also the most pleasure in sex is actually, it’s like double when you really are more caring about the joy of the other person than yourself. So that’s I also thought like, when we talk about what we don’t really understand, because we get so caught up in that sense of ownership in that confusion around my needs and the independence like you said, and actually the interdependence brings even more happiness when you are able to, but it’s hard to do because you have to be vulnerable and all those things but if you really care more about the joy of another person, that, that brings you actually joy. I always use this analogy like, it’s like pleasure when you’re just focused on each of your own joy it’s like one plus one equals two, so it’s both people are happy but when pleasure when both people are focused on equally get as excited and happy enjoy it seeing the other person’s joy is like, you know, double that like two plus two is four, you know?
Andrew Love 21:24
Yuna Johnson 21:24
And it’s just that concept around, it’s actually the way to experience more happiness to, it’s not even like knowing, but you know, it’s just like you said how to break, break our concepts around this and I like to use that analogy of like, this is how I see it, like the way the Hollywood what presents around sex and what we our own concepts is like going around with a cell phone battery, that’s, that’s dying. If you’ve ever had a really bad cell phone battery, and then you like get a new battery. You’re like, “Whoa! Wait a second”. Like you just kind of get used to it functioning that way and it still works and you think, you know, like, you can do the most of the things but you get a new battery. Like, it’s like, “Whoa! This is so much better living with this”. So…
Andrew Love 22:11
Yeah. Or like, you know, going from 2g to 5g is, you know?
Yuna Johnson 22:16
Yeah, very cool.
Andrew Love 22:18
You wait 10 minutes for a website to load versus instantaneous. What the hell have I been settling for?
Yuna Johnson 22:26
Andrew Love 22:28
Yeah, absolutely. Because in your description of, of living for the sake of the other person and loving for the sake of the other person, it really seems like that would bleed out into all the other aspects of your relationship because at the end of it, you didn’t just physically have sex. What you did was you substantiated your true feelings about the other person, right? And so, if your substantiating selfishness then your showing how you really feel about the other person in substance, right? You say, I don’t actually care about your needs that much, that’s the substantial version of you. Because there’s, there’s, you can quantify it by like, how much did you actually, you know, take care of that person during the act, right? Whereas when you…
Yuna Johnson 23:17
Andrew Love 23:17
…love that person sincerely, then it’s like they, they can really see beyond words, beyond anything. I can see. Wow, this person really loves me because they’re showing me it in the most intimate possible way.
Yuna Johnson 23:30
Yeah. And you know, the other thing I think was just fun going even deeper with this is that, I think God designed it all to be easy for us. It wasn’t supposed to be so complicated. So this idea, (crosstalk) actually, so this is where, yeah, again, going into this whole concept, what are the things we don’t know? And I like this conversation of love. People give comments or this later, but to hear, because this is something I think we could explore but I, so as I was studying, kind of thinking about preparing this talk. So I was going to give about heavenly sexuality. I also, you know, work and run my own business and I came across a talk about money, and power and knowledge and how those things, they don’t come like sometimes you think in creativity. So knowledge is like from our brain, right, but creativity, power, financial things actually come from the sexual organ region of your body. And there’s this whole maybe part of it, but there’s this whole idea that like you’re, that’s where creative ideas and things come from. And so that fascinated me because I thought, hey, you know, in the very beginning, back to the first people, this idea was that the way that you start this relationship with another person and we you know, as children growing up, we learn about our own needs. You have to get used to how to take care of yourself. And then suddenly, you’re with another person, and you still have to learn how to take care of them, how to really live for the- live for them. And all those things we talked about that joy doesn’t necessarily come right away, like maybe you’ve seen examples from your parents, but we’d still need to grow. And so I think that is actually like, sex was meant to be this tool naturally, to help us to grow because you get creativity and you get power and from that sexual experience together, and then it would be this idea that you know, you, you’re in a relationship and you’re trying to figure you, you’re recognizing that, you could love this person better, but you don’t know how. And often what happens is that sex become, people don’t have sex right. Because they’re upset at each other. But if you have sex and through that, it helps you to be more loving and considerate and find, and that’s where you get the idea of, “Oh, maybe she needs this or maybe he needs that”. And you could do that the next day, like if you were really focused.
Andrew Love 26:05
Yuna Johnson 26:05
So I felt that God need that as like, it’s an, almost made it easy for us that the tool and the way that you practice that more and more is the best way to help you become parents where you’ve got to be completely taken care of this tiny being, you know, so I felt like God, you know, I always think of beautiful design, brilliant design. And it’s, it’s that, like, it wasn’t supposed to be so complicated, but that we would learn by doing and what and what, what’s made it challenging is this exact point you talked about of our initial concepts around sex is that it’s about me first. Instead of if you just took that away that it was never designed to be that way. It was always supposed to be a way to teach you about the other person first. And the more that you do it, the more that you have sex, the more selfless you become, the more serving you become naturally, it’s like just a tool, and it’s something you could do every day, then you get even… and it’s exactly that tool, that is what, create babies come from. And it all just makes sense. Hope it makes sense. In my head, I don’t know if I explain it.
Andrew Love 27:13
That was beautiful. But I mean…
Yuna Johnson 27:16
Andrew Love 27:16
I think the things that would prevent a situation like that from arising of just for it to be so clear, is is, is just a bunch of weird emotions, right?
Yuna Johnson 27:16
Andrew Love 27:27
Is a bunch of negative attachments and stuff, which is again like a litmus test because I always felt like touching in general is a great litmus test to see your relationship with somebody because somebody might be smiling when they see you. They might be able to like fake liking, feign liking you, but if you go in for a hug, you’ll see how that person really feels, you know, by the sincerity of their hug.
Yuna Johnson 27:57
Andrew Love 27:57
And then, it’s all the more true with sexuality, is like, you know, unless somebody is a master faker unless they’re, unless they’re a trained liar which most people are not, then you, you get to see when you’re approaching that person how they feel about you in that moment and it’s a good, it’s a good place to address.
Yuna Johnson 28:20
Andrew Love 28:21
(crosstalk) Right? But, and, and in the absence of physical intimacy, it’s sometimes there’s a lot of distance that occurs between hearts because you don’t, you’re not able to test and see where that person is at. Because personally, like, my wife and I usually have so much more feeling of connection after sex, right? Because it’s like that distance. We didn’t realize how distant we were until we come really close together. And then, and then we and then we say, “Wow, we were like, we were way off this past week”. Right? So…
Yuna Johnson 28:53
Andrew Love 28:53
I like what you said that it’s not a matter of, you know, necessarily waiting for the perfect circumstance, but sometimes sexuality in its, it needs to occur for the other good stuff to happen afterwards, right?
Yuna Johnson 29:06
Yep. It helps us to get inspiration or helps us figure out how to love each other more. Yeah. And it was, also something work Mark Gronger, he does, like funny, how to laugh your way to better marriage. I remember there was one point he said about, about how sex kind of rubs off the edges in today, kind of build up, we get frustrated by different things just naturally living together and but it sort of softens that.
Andrew Love 29:38
There’s a lot more credibility in the fact that you’re a woman saying this because I feel like that’s something, definitely a man would say like, “Yeah, no sex makes everything fine. Just do more of it.” Right? But, you know, it’s nice to hear that it can be validated by women. So, what about any, any other really kind of egregious falsehoods or lies or, or misnomers, about sex, that…
Yuna Johnson 29:54
Yeah. One concept is around compatibility. And that this, often, people say, you know, it’s important to have sexual experience before you commit to someone. Because how do you know if you’re compatible? How do you know if you’ll continue to meet each other’s needs, and it’s still that concept of focus more underlying that we’ve been talking about, how you know that person is going to meet your needs or you’ll fit together. Instead of focusing on this idea of, well, it’s, again, connected with sex and a committed marriage relationship, the goal that you really only need to become the expert at sex in pleasing your spouse. And I like to use that term expert because of this concept that, who’s an expert as someone who specialized in making this other person happy like no one else can. Instead of this idea of expert at sex, someone who has multiple partners or different experience with a lot of people, they’re really more focused on themselves or expert at self gratification, right? But having that goal to an empowering sense of feeling like you can make this one person who, and again, it’s talking in this context of a committed marriage relationship. You make them happy in a way that no one else can because of the exclusivity of that relationship, and that’s what brings, and it goes into everything we said of learning how to bring in excitement, compatibility, all those things, because you’ve got plenty of time to do that, and not this pressure, or comparing to other couples or Hollywood movies or wondering. And this idea of like, freedom, you know, this, “I can be with whoever I want to be. Is this the right person?” sort of questioning commitment. And really freedom is, like, the ultimate freedom and what sex really allows you to experience to, when it’s knowing you’re completely loved and accepted for who you are. And that takes time to build that in a relationship that says, like, you don’t need to impress but you can just be you, and to really experience unconditional love, I’m making that the goal.
Andrew Love 32:23
This is a huge one, okay? This is a really, it runs really, really deeply for a lot of people.
Yuna Johnson 32:28
Andrew Love 32:29
Because we are brainwashed relentlessly, to see that dating is really testing people out, looking for kind of the perfect person. And what you’re suggesting is, you kind of evolve into the right person. And like, what I just wanna say that really struck me is that, there, to marry somebody because you guys are sexually compatible is such a weird, I don’t know, misunderstanding that, that you’re going to stay the same. Because constantly your situation, where you live, your health, everything changes over time. So, you could never have the same sex twice, essentially, right? Especially as the decades go on and that there’s certain characteristics that are so much more important, and that sexual compatibility is much more, do you have the right character traits to allow for continual sexual compatibility? Like, are you as, are you a more selfless person or selfish person? Are you caring? Are you a good listener? I think being a good listener would make you a, a better at sex when you’re 50 than, you know, being, being really in shape when you’re 22…
Yuna Johnson 33:04
Andrew Love 33:49
But being a crappy listener, right?
Yuna Johnson 33:51
Andrew Love 33:52
In terms of like an investment when you, when you look at somebody as a portfolio, there’s certain characteristics that look really appealing up front, like how they look, whether they like the same music as you and all that, you can basically flush it down the toilet within 10 years of a marriage, which is why marriages typically don’t last even 10 years?
Yuna Johnson 34:12
Andrew Love 34:13
And that’s such a better way of looking at it, that if you’re, if you can line up with certain levels of, of commitment and compatibility, then the sex will find itself and you will find your groove together as a couple eventually,
Yuna Johnson 34:31
Andrew Love 34:31
Rather than wanting the explosive excitement from the beginning. And knowing that that’s not sustainable because your environment is going to change.
Yuna Johnson 34:40
Yep. And I, and I think also this vulnerability aspect, I mean, maybe both for men, men and women, I would say, because that’s part of sex. It’s, it’s very vulnerable and people, even though it’s talked about, ideally you shouldn’t feel that need to perform certain things but that’s what a lot of people are coming from awareness and comparing. And, I just say the key to a happy marriage is really commitment and comm- and vulnerability combined together, this idea that you showing, you see who you are, and showing these aspects of yourself that you don’t even necessarily like, but you want to grow and you’re with someone because life’s all about growing.
Andrew Love 35:19
Yuna Johnson 35:19
But your wisdom is with you no matter what, this idea that, okay, they see you, they let you grow, get over your things, you know.
Andrew Love 35:28
Yuna Johnson 35:29
And we’ll go through it together. And that allows for so much love to come in and but it’s, you know, vulnerability. I think there’s a lot of talks on that, right. It’s not necessarily easy, either, but you both do that together. Yeah. That’s the commitment part. Yeah.
Andrew Love 35:49
Yeah. And it’s interesting too, because as you, as you said, how long, how long have you been blessed and married?
Yuna Johnson 35:55
Andrew Love 35:57
Yuna Johnson 35:58
Andrew Love 35:59
I was just thinking of the difference between, kind of vulnerability and being your real you, the real version of you, versus putting on a show, and things like, you know, things like farting in front of your spouse, things like that. They’re like, they’re a very real part of living but it’s not necessarily sexy, right? And then when you’re putting on a show, you don’t want to let that side of you be revealed because you’re afraid that it’s going to impact the sexy part. But whereas true sexuality is going through every gross and beautiful part of life with another person, and still loving them and, and finding them sexually attractive, in spite of, in spite of go-, seeing them vomit or whatever, like the case…
Yuna Johnson 36:51
Andrew Love 36:53
…together with somebody, you see them go through everything. Physically, mentally, spiritually, and you still, like, can find them sexually attractive. That’s, that’s the thing and, and you can’t do that if it’s a show because then you’re comparing them to this porn person over here who’s, you know, just had plastic surgery or whatever. And you’re seeing them for a few minutes of their life. But you’re seeing this other person at the, picking their nose, you know? Totally different but it’s, it’s, that’s the reality versus the show, I guess.
Yuna Johnson 37:27
Yeah. And it’s so true. And I feel like to get to that level is a… I remember for us like, I feel like eight years, I can really mark this feeling, this sounds like a long time. I mean, it is, of a rock solid, like, wow, our relationship is really solid because of all these things that we’ve gone through. And it’s not easy but, and despite that, we still love each other growing; and we hit like another, like honeymoon phase, you know? And it really was like, it just, I mean, all I say, I say it to so many young couples, I’ve worked with a lot of young couples and, you know, just that’s the commitment part. Like, it maybe doesn’t sound so romantic, but really stick it out together and the joy, like, what you can experience and that, that confidence. And I mean, it’s amazing and to go through life with someone who’s like, you’re, you’re gonna face it all together all the changes, all the unexpected things. And I also think, you know, it took us eight years, I feel, to get to that solid feeling point in our relationship. But I also think, two years of those could have, it could have been two years faster, if I were to really think of things that, because of Hollywood concepts, because of things that we were expecting of each other or a lot, a lot me, maybe women do this or expecting content. I think I’m, obviously there’s a more difficult one in a relationship. Maybe it’s not true but, makes things more complicated. I’m definitely that person. Right? I could literally, like, I like to calculate things. I feel like, man, we could have gotten to that place six years earlier, like Hollywood really mess with our heads. Two years of our relationship from that comparing or feeling of like, no, we should be like this or we should be, you know, romance should look this way or love should look that and like, forget that just be your own couple, like create who you are, you’re not going to be like anyone else. So we love, I mean, I think it’s nice to have this, this concept of role models, role models or aspiration are things to look up to. And I think it’s beautiful to see couples like that, that you want to look up to and have a relationship like that, at the same time, not too much to the extent of like, well, how can we take what inspires us about that and then make our own relationship, you know, really create something special and that’s unique to us and be an inspiration because that’s what, we’re all unique people and our relationship is unique. And to really embrace that, that’s part of where, I think you get to a level of getting past the sense of feeling like you need to perform or focusing kind of on ourself. Right?
Andrew Love 40:14
So it seems like, comparison is just the death of all good things, because you can never be that and you can never force somebody to be something that they’re not.
Yuna Johnson 40:25
Andrew Love 40:27
So, it does seem like the more, so, let’s say porn that you watch, but also the more Hollywood version of romance that you (crosstalk). The more that your template becomes fixated on wanting to squeeze yourself into that, which is not real because, you know, it’s just, it’s not, it’s not real, it’s substantially, it’s not, it’s a fake, it’s a movie.
Yuna Johnson 40:52
Andrew Love 40:53
You know? It was actually, not actual reality. But rather than doing, spending your life trying to squeeze into a template that is not even real; Than to learn the skill set to accept and love the reality that exists, right? In that person. It’s, it’s a, it’s kind of like, the longer path. They’re both long but one is actually attainable. You can actually attain love if you can learn how to accept another person, but you can never attain joy by squeezing somebody into something that, it will never fit. It’ll never fit.
Yuna Johnson 41:33
Yeah, yeah. And there’s this great song I came across today, but it’s relevant. It’s called like, big love, small moments. JJ Heller, you know, we could look it up on YouTube, but and they have a cute video. It’s about families. It’s really, but it’s just, there’s some great lines in there about you know, the big magic in the mundane and about love and about how a lot of what makes up that deep love is these small mundane moments of just living with someone, you know, that really, and all the aspects of that. And yeah, I mean, it’s funny because those are the things that stick, you remember?
Andrew Love 42:16
Yuna Johnson 42:17
And yet this idea of performing and I feel it’s hard to… It’s on both sides, right? Like, we can only, what we can give to our partner is really learning to accept them and be, be grateful and loving for who they are. And that really lifts up. I feel like that’s been in our relationship, because we’re from different countries too. You know, there’s a lot there, and you have that too, with your wife. (crosstalk) Yeah, ways that you misinterpret things that are, but just to appreciate the other. It’s kind of that phase of, you know, you’re different and accept and appreciate them and you really come to love all those quirks and I remember having kids too, like, when you see, my husband things that used to do that annoy me and then I see my son’s. It’s just hilarious. But it’s like, that’s all part of how we grow. And I like to say every day becoming an even more loving wife and even more loving mom, you know, that’s the point of life. It’s not also to get to, that’s what I want to say here too. Like, we’re talking a lot about the original, kind of idea or vision or thinking bigger and breaking past our concepts around sex. But the biggest thing is just to feel like, every day is a chance to become a more loving person and focus more on the growth instead of getting hard on yourself of; Yeah, I should do this better and, or just, I like to say that a lot. I say it as a mom, especially every day I’m becoming a better mom and when I noticed something where I could have reacted better and it’s the same with, with my husband, you know, when I could reacted better or this way. Okay, I notice it. That’s because I care and I want to do better next time. And so just… Yeah. Focus on the joy of growing together. And helps take off that pressure and comparing because sometimes just comparing with ourselves a lot, our past self or how our relationship was at one point or that and don’t need to do that either. You know, that’s still comparing, right?
Andrew Love 43:45
Yeah. Yeah, it’s just wasting time and energy on focusing on something that you can’t even fix like, you know, dwelling on the past or lamenting the future or whatever. So I would like to know, Yuna, Yuna.
Yuna Johnson 44:40
Yes, you done it. Great!
Andrew Love 44:44
What advice, because you deal with young single people, but you also deal with married people a lot. Started with a single people. What, if they could focus on the positives and building themselves up to be a really qualified candidate for marriage, you know, to be a qualified eligible bachelor or bachelorette, what, what could they be focusing their energy on?
Yuna Johnson 45:11
So, I think for someone who, you know, wants to create, and have a gre- incredible marriage and relationship, sexual relationship is to get really clear about your vision and believing in it. Because I think, also that’s something in my own personal life, I was so stuck in, upset at my parents for not showing that example like, “Man, it would be so much easier if I had an example to look up to, have a good marriage,” and I started thinking, “No wait, what, how can I create that? What do I want that to look like and really concretely”, and then even though, I’ve always been driven by that vision, it really motivated me to choose a lifestyle of abstinence before marriage and committed, choosing to be in a committed married relationship and you know, then reality hits and your, your vision and who you are. But still, it’s important to think, okay, like I can, I value this idea of visualizing that I can be better and keep growing. And I think that helps. So, the more specific you can be about the incredible marriage you want to have, and not just something like, “Oh, I don’t want to have a marriage, like my parents, I want to have a marriage like in the movies.” That’s too big. You got to get really, I want to be a person who can, you know, share and have these great soul conversations well, then think about, okay, are you that kind of person now, it helps to kind of look at your relationships currently and how those could improve in this preparation towards a marriage that have a vision that helps kind of align what steps you want to take and also to be more introspective about who you are, and in a, in a motivating way to grow to be even more loving person. That’s something we can already work on, in our relationships and what help and you can, there’s lots of people you can talk to, too, about what makes you know, great husband or wife or learning to cook. To help out. I had to learn to cook.
Andrew Love 46:52
What about for couples? Like, couples who, we might not be doing as well as they could maybe one, maybe they’re feeling disconnected and they, after listening to you feel like wow, I want that kind of marriage, where I’m more connected and we’re having this heavenly sex. Do you have any advice for them?
Yuna Johnson 47:40
Yeah, I was gonna say the same thing, a vision as a couple, but also to, to talk more. I think that’s a gauge, I mean, talk more, everyone likes to hear that but I’m one, one of the best things we ever did was to just sit down and write, I want an answer that question each. And then we gave it to the other person. So I was talking a lot about, you know, the needs, how we can be concerned of each other. And so, we just sat down and wrote down, you know, all the things that we want more. And for me, it was a range of things for my husband, it was mostly around sex. But then, we traded that with each other, the list, so we each kept the other person’s list. And it was, this was in one of our really rough times, and after, I think it was after one or two of our children. And we, it was like a little way we could signal to each other. I care about you, I love you. It’s a little sign, you know, when we did one of the things that was on the list, and it’s simple, but man that helps so much just to make that bridge of connection like you’re talking about closer and so you could make that list more specific about what you want in your relationship overall or any sexual relationship, but that’s a step toward a vision. And also it’s very practical way of making that, so that you know, we can help each other out and how you can love each other more, where you feel really loved. And we it was eye opening for us. I mean, like, we should have done this way earlier. So
Andrew Love 49:20
Yuna Johnson 49:21
Andrew Love 49:24
Yeah, I like it. I’m gonna try it out with, with my wife. I like that idea.
Yuna Johnson 49:27
Andrew Love 49:28
Because it’s, especially when you’re both doing it, you spend time. You know, you listen to music or whatever, and you go off and you and then you write it down, then you kind of present it to each other. It’s, it’s very non threatening, whereas…
Yuna Johnson 49:43
Andrew Love 49:44
…when you just kind of ask for stuff point blank, it usually comes without context and it lands, it lands a lot heavier. Yeah, that’s a great idea. Good idea. Thank you. And is there any, anything that you want people to know about, like, you know, when you, when you’re leaving somebody and you love them, and you just wish that you could impart something to them that could just make their life less painful and more enjoyable. Do you have anything for people out there listening that you just wish that they could know about?
Yuna Johnson 50:20
Yeah, I, a lot of it all, I’ve talked about God, a lot. It comes back to that. But really, this, whatever that is, that you’re longing for deep down, you want that change or that vision of a relationship you want or you feel like you’re so far from it, you want to be this way. It’s just to know that deep down that God wants that exact thing for you. And I think it’s the most, I have the concept of faith. This idea that, this universe, this world we live in is centered around this relationship of having a loving parent who happens to be the creator of the universe, but also cares about us personally, and are especially, in this area of the sexual relationship in our marriage and really being fulfilled and happy couples and just to know that you got, God’s got your back, you’ve got this amazing creator on your side to help you and to feel empowered about, you can make, you know whatever, despite your past experiences or anything you can make the life that you’re longing for and living for and you’ve got the hugest fan; is the creator of the universe. Because once that with you, so just believe in your ability, to be this incredible person and you could do that, you know, we’re divine being so that’s what I always say.
Andrew Love 51:45
Beautiful, I love it.
Yuna Johnson 51:46
Andrew Love 51:47
Well, thank you. Yeah, I think that’s really encouraging to a lot of people and where can people reach you if they have any questions? Henceforth?
Yuna Johnson 51:56
Oh, yeah. Well, actually Facebook messenger, can find me on Facebook, Yuna Johnson. So, not that many people have that name. Because I can see like, face and name and question. Otherwise, I have my, as a blessing the family ministry, my email is firstname.lastname@example.org
Andrew Love 52:20
Yeah, perfect. I just, I feel like, there’s a, we could have gone on for a lot longer. And I think we will. In a later day, we’ll have a part two, if that’s okay. But… I think there’s a lot of, lot of great information that came out. And a lot for people to think about. And I recommend going back and listening to this episode a few times, because everything that we want in life involves other people and it also involves ourselves. It’s kind of, kind of like this in and out situation and so, to figure out how we fit in with ourselves and our own vision for ourselves, And I love her advice on, you know, also checking if you want a great marriage, look at how are your friendships going, how, how’s it going with your parents, and if everything is a disaster, but you want a perfect marriage, you might, you might need to work on yourself a little bit more. So it’s all very good information to, wherever you’re at, whether you are married or whether you’re single, to kind of look at where you’re at now and where you want to be. And if you need help along the way, that’s what High Noon is here for go to our website. If you want to read any more blogs. We have a 15-day challenge that’s out there if you want to step up your game and also you have Yuna here, Yuna here, to be on your side because she’s really passionate about people and also about this topic. So, thank you so much for joining us, Yuna, and…
Yuna Johnson 52:32
Yeah. Thank you so much for what you do. I’m super inspired by you guys and I always feel happy people have, I’ve met couples that have gone through High Noon different. Yeah, just proud of you, what you do and what you’ve accomplished and the impact you’re bringing to so many.
Andrew Love 54:08
Thank you. We appreciate it. Yeah.
Yuna Johnson 54:10
Andrew Love 54:11
So, see you guys later say bye, Yuna.
Yuna Johnson 54:15