Non-Sexual Touch | Sunny & Sunmarie Burns

Many couples struggle because they are starved for physical affection. Often times when one spouse wants to become sexual with their partner, they actually don’t have much of a foundation of non-sexual touch and their advances are either harshly or passively rejected.

If you are one of the hordes of people who are working from home and confined in close proximity to your spouse for the foreseeable future, it is probably a good idea to set yourself up right!

Non-sexual touch is extremely important for maintaining physical and emotional connection, and is something that should be exercised very mindfully—ESPECIALLY while we are quarantined.

Enjoy hearing from this second-generation couple as they offer some wonderful tips as to how to practice non-sexual touch.

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  1. Thanks so much for this helpful guidance. In all of my work with couples, as well as my personal experience, I have observed something that every man should be aware of: while men tend to be very genital-focused in our intimacy with our partners- focused on the experience of orgasm, and therefore easily perceiving physical touch only as a pathway to sexual intercourse, or some experience of orgasm, women are s-o-o-o-o different. Sunmarie emphasized how important it is for her to experience her husband’s touch as something more than just his desire for sex, suggesting that that might feel conditional- that he is only touching her because he wants something from her, or from the intimacy, for himself. She expressed that when his touch is not assumed as an entre to sex, she feels loved, reassured, comforted, and unconditionally cared for.

    I want to further suggest that for women, the experience of intimacy, even sexual intimacy, is not all about the genitals and orgasm… the gentle stroking, the time, and connection, the feeling of presence and closeness itself, is the most impactful, emotionally meaningful, and also arousing, and opens her to the climactic aspects of intimacy. Too many women are shut down and emotionally closed to this awakening and opening, often because too many men are mechanical and focused on their orgasm, with no sensitivity to or awareness of their partner’s needs and preferences. Sadly, porn trains men to be even more orgasm-focused, and to see women falsely presented with the same orientations and expectations as men, or as their fantasy of someone who only exists to please their desires. Too many men have never learned to be in touch with their feelings, and so their sexual impulses bypass their hearts, and go straight to their brains, where orgasm generates dopamine and oxytocin… this is the true definition of a “dickhead,” a man disconnected from his own emotions, focused on his physical, genital experience alone.

    The cosmic joke, which is actually a challenge, is that men and women love and need to be loved so differently. Therefore intimacy and harmony challenges us to be mature, unselfish and open to our partner’s unique needs, often so different from our own. Thanks again for this simple, honest and helpful sharing.