Two Becoming One Isn’t Just About Sex

What Are You Bringing To The Picture?

Spouses are not independent beings sharing a living space. If there’s something on your mind, your spouse will know. Even if you walk in the door with a smile, if you’re feeling troubled or upset, your spouse will pick up on this. You don’t just share a bed and body parts, sexual intimacy creates an emotional sensitivity to each other.

Love in marriage brings the mind, body, spirit, and soul of two beings together. The union feels incomplete when one of those components is missing or diverted. So when you try to hide or withhold something, your spouse may not know exactly what’s going on, but they sense something. When you’re not totally invested in this exclusive relationship, your spouse feels a loss.

Man and Woman Complete Each Other

Men are generally visually stimulated and women usually care more about romance and relationship. That may be a gross overstatement, but it’s based in biology; brain function and hormones. At some point in our growth process, we start to long for the opposite sex because something inside is telling us we’re meant to be together. There’s a reason spouses call each other their “better half”.

But a man does not complete a woman just by having sex with her. And a woman doesn’t complete a man by being a dumb object. Intimacy in marriage is sharing our thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, and our bodies. Through intimacy, we become a new entity – a couple. But this union is fragile, it depends on total and continuous investment by both halves.

People are complicated

Each personality has so many layers, nooks, and crannies that it takes a lifetime to really get to know someone. We sometimes don’t even know or understand ourselves. Through marriage, we can dive into the fascinating world of another completely different human being. In the process, we begin to discover our own unique potential as well.

This is what makes life and relationships so interesting and exciting, and endlessly challenging. But the hope and dream of true love – being known and cherished by another – holds steadfast in every human heart. So much so that when something blocks the process of love’s unfolding, we feel hurt and full of despair. Devastated even.

Don’t Reduce Sex To Biology

Popular culture wants us to believe that sex is just a biological need. That comes from a very narrow view of what it means to be human, that we’re just another species of animal. When we reduce sex to the level of physical need it loses the power of real intimacy – expressing love. But receiving intimate love is the primary need, and that’s why we can never be satisfied by sex alone.

Married porn users may not realize how much their spouse is suffering. Their spouse desires a holistic experience of love, while the porn user is trapped in a chemical dependency/need fix mode. They’re on completely different wavelengths, which usually ends in the relationship falling apart in all other areas as well.

Intimacy Requires Honesty

All marriages require work and investment in the relationship. Only in movies and fairy tales can we experience ‘love at first sight’ and ‘happily ever after’. So, for the porn user, the place to start is being completely honest and taking responsibility for the damage to the relationship.

For the spouse, it’s important to appreciate the honesty no matter how painful it is. The spouse might need time and space to work through their hurt feelings. There is no quick fix for either the porn user or the spouse, and both will need help from others.

Intimacy develops in the space where we can feel vulnerable and safe at the same time. Trust grows as we feel accepted, cared for, and appreciated by the other. We may have to work through a lot of baggage from childhood or the culture we grew up in, but it’s worth it. Happiness and fulfillment is the goal of two becoming one.

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Responses

  1. A second thought on Andrew Love’s writing, Grace. Porn is a food that feeds the insatiable appetite of a monster within. It never has enough. It always wants more. The filthier the better. It is a food because it sustains an entity within, without which it would perish just as any living entity would perish without food. Porn nourishes an entity’s need for lust which in no way is like the true love of God. The fall of man is a story of bad choices and wrongful desires and consequences that our ancient ancestors could never imagine. The human mind and emotion became perverted and we have to contend with those perversions that our loving parent never intended. It is almost like the strangest imaginings science fiction could create. We have within us beings who have accessed and feed off our physical needs to satisfy their own, regardless of how perverse or destructive to the host that may be. They are without physical form, they are spirit and by virtue of that can manifest themselves any where within our body. The human body is like a territory in which two warring factions fight to gain control. That territory is limited and it seems that the brain is the high ground that is fought over to gain control. Control that command center and feelings-thoughts-emotions-strong physical desires can be sent out throughout the territory thus controlling it. The original mind, our essence, our soul, our true self is always there and the only food it needs is God’s word, sacrifice in all the forms there is to self service to others and appreciation of beauty and goodness. Without God, without repentance their is little hope. With God, with a seriousness to truly live, with time the battle is won.

    1. So well written to remind us of the burdening reality of Spirits which steal our precious Purity. Without Grace there is no Chance. Take care.

  2. An excellent resource my husband and I are reading together and are discussing is a book called ‘Sexual Wholeness in Marriage by Busby, Carroll & Leavitt. It addresses this need for development and expression of all aspects in marriage.