Ep. 41 - Podcast Thumbnail

#41 – What to Look for In a Wife

Comment below what you gained from this episode.

Ep. 41 - Podcast Thumbnail

All single guys, young women, and even those who are already in a relationship out there: listen up!

In this episode, join Sammy and Andrew as they talk about great qualities men should look for in their potential partner that can help build towards having a vibrant life.

In life, it’s vital to have an understanding of how relationships work to mitigate any tough patches and potential pain points. It’s important to know that you are two independent people who can rely on one another but do not need each other. Hence, choosing someone who is introspective, owns their decisions, and respects their values before entering into a commitment will be the key to a successful marriage.

Remember, marriage should be viewed as not just two people getting along but what you can create together. That it is not a one-time choice, but something you choose and are committed to every single day.

  • Importance of choosing great qualities in a partner
  • Qualities to look for in a wife
    • Self-awareness
      • The probing questions in evaluating someone’s self-awareness
    • Mentally and spiritually stable
    • Independent: Self-sufficient or being capable to be on your own
    • Strong beliefs held loosely
      • Having a strong foundation within yourself
      • Humility: Willing to learn new things

Episode Transcript:

Andrew Love: Alright. 

Sammy Uyama: Yeah, like. Even if you got like a T-shirt, and just like put over like that. It would dampen the noise a lot.

Andrew Love: This is my last one in this room, okay? I’ll be in another room. Okay, let me, let me get something. About this?

Sammy Uyama: Yeah. That’s great, that’s great.

Andrew Love: Feel like I’m on a hip hop voyage. 

Sammy Uyama: Awesome. 

Andrew Love: Smells like pee, though. I think, there’s pee on this towel.

Sammy Uyama: You know, because I listen to all those episodes yesterday. And when I was in Chongu, I had so much, my, your audio is sounding great. But my audio is so echoey in all the episodes.

Andrew Love: I can’t respond to you. 

Sammy Uyama: Darth Vader. No. Darth Vader’s boss, the Emperor.

Andrew Love: Yeah. Let me intro this one. 

Sammy Uyama: All these photos. You doing podcasts. For real at the end of the day. All right, go.

Andrew Love: Hey, y’all! Welcome back to this podcast. The one and only Love, Life, and Legacy. Featuring Andrew Love. And my cohort.

Sammy Uyama: Mr. Samuel J. Uyama. 

Andrew Love: What the J for?

Sammy Uyama: Jore. Yeah. Exactly. Andrew, you like, you look like a rapper actually right now. So.

Andrew Love: I do. I look. Hello, Cool J. Back, they Mama said knock you out. You guys can’t see the video. Sammy, who’s my boss, forced me, this is on the record, forced me to put a towel over my head to dampen the sound. But, maybe, just doesn’t want to look at my face anymore. But you’ll just have to trust me because you can’t see the video. But I will file a formal complaint to some organizations for this abuse.

Sammy Uyama: All right. Well. How, you, you can send it to HR @ tiny.org. And we’ll get right on that, Andrew.

Andrew Love: You’ll fire me. Great. Great. Entrapment. So, today, we wanted to, we got a nice little episode for you. It’s, we want to help mitigate any potential pain. We can’t stop all fights from happening in your future relationship if you’re in a relationship. But we can help you kind of put it, put the universe in your favor. Tilt the scale a little bit in your favor. So, that you can make informed decisions on how to choose the right woman. Because I know, I know, Sammy, I’m sure you know. Of many a man, a young man, who is trying to figure out, “Okay, well, there’s, you know, I don’t know 3.7 billion women. Let’s just say half the population. How am I supposed to pick one and stick with that?” A lot of options here. So, the question remains. How do you choose the right type of woman? Because it’s really important that you understand that whoever you choose needs to be the right person. Not because they are perfect. Because you just close out any other possibility that you say, “This is my choice.” And you go 100% all-in on that.

Sammy Uyama: Yes. Then, this episode, in particular, is probably not, it would be one of the most valuable and useful for all you single guys. So many studies have been done that show that the quality of choosing well in marriage is one of the highest predictors of life satisfaction. It’s your overall happiness, your, even down to your financial success. It’s like marrying well can produce so many, have so many great fruits. And likewise, marrying poorly causes so much stress, so much. I don’t want to say pain. It sounds a little dramatic. But like, it is pain. It’s, it’s really, it really makes life hard. When you marry, when you marry poorly. It costs. It’s expensive. Cost a lot. You have to deal with a lot of

Andrew Love: Drama. Broken. Everything. 

Sammy Uyama: Yeah. So, so it’s in our personal experience. We believe it’s really one of the most important decisions for you to make in your life is choosing well a spouse. And for those single people who have yet to make that decision, great information. But, even, for, for you married people who feel like, “Oh, well. You know, I’ve already, I already got a wife. What do I do?” These are really great things to nurture in your spouse, right? And not in an attempt to change them. But, you know, these are, the lists that we came up with, these are all qualities. And they’re not like personality traits, right? They’re, they’re qualities that can be developed, right? And so, you can support your spouse and always love them. And

Andrew Love: The thing is you don’t choose your spouse once. You choose them every day. You choose every time they talk. You have to choose by listening to this person or not. Really listen to them. Every time you wake up, am I gonna invest in this person or not? So, yes, it’s a, it’s a discipline. And if you, if you can understand the larger respect of what Sammy and I are talking about. Or like, you know, based off of all the people that we’ve helped counsel while they’re going through the process of selecting, or once they’re already in a relationship. How to, because we know some people that kind of got cold feet close to the end, right? And they weren’t sure, “Is this really the one?” And they started to clam up because that’s obviously a big decision that you’re going to make. So, you want to make a decision as well informed as possible so that you can be satisfied. Because that’s honestly, one of the worst feelings in the world is wondering what if. “What if I made the wrong decision? What if the other person was right, and this person was wrong?” That will torment somebody to death. You can’t have those thoughts. Because honestly, like, sometimes it’s tempting to have them when you’re going through a tough patch in your relationship, and you can’t entertain those thoughts. They’ll kill you. They’ll destroy your mind. It will take you to the gates of hell. Smash your head through. But I also wanted to mention that if you’re a young woman listening, and we want to get women to do the same episode about. You know, good qualities for men, to look for, as a woman, like as looking for a husband. And if you are listening, and you are a female, this is good to know that, you know, this is what men really want. And this is not just Sammy and my opinion. It’s also after a lot of reading, and a lot of discussion with different people, and a lot of counseling. So, there’s that. Let’s just put that on the table. Yeah, we wanted to do. Sorry. 

Sammy Uyama: Let’s, let’s start, let’s look. I was gonna reiterate what you’re saying. But we could, yeah, but for women, you can work on these qualities. Like these, these are the qualities that will attract a high-quality husband, right? And a guy that is, it’s, that’s not interested in these traits is not a worthwhile husband, anyway. So, you’re filtering them out. So, these are good qualities to try to work on developing yourself. Shall we jump into it?

Andrew Love: Yeah, I just want to preface by saying none of them are about how many followers you have on Instagram. Just spoiler alert. We did not include that. That did not make the list. 

Sammy Uyama: Shoot. It was on my list, actually. I got to cross it out.

Andrew Love: Sammy would not have a wife. Sammy probably didn’t even have an Instagram account when he got blessed. There was no Instagram back then.

Sammy Uyama: No. 

Andrew Love: Anyway. Those kinds of vanity metrics, honestly, are what a lot of people put value into. Like, they think, “Oh, this is important.” That’s completely useless. So, we want to get into some quality, some attributes that are actually useful. Not just in helping you figure out a spouse, but like somebody that can be a partner and building a life with. Like a vibrant life, right? So, you can tell, the color of their hair and how cool their shoes are. Probably doesn’t matter in 40 years from now. But other things will and we want to get into those things. So, Sammy, what, and these are in no particular order. We didn’t write like top five and then, we’ll reveal the top. It’s just like we came up with each of us, came with, came up with five really important points and they’re in no particular order. Starting with Samuel L. Jackson Uyama. What did you get?

Sammy Uyama: So, just one of many I would say to look for is self-awareness. I think that’s something that goes a really long way in a person. And just someone who understands their, their values, understands their character, understand like their goals. And is able to bring that to the relationship. And, you know, your, your, your marriage can be more than about two people getting along. But it can be about what you can create together. And, you know, one of the things that necessitate that, or that profit, the prefaces that is just knowing that like, as an individual, what your, what’s important to you. And what you want to see your life looking like down the road. And so, someone who has done some introspection. Someone who thought about where they want to see their life going. Someone who understands their own weaknesses. Understands them, know where they excel in, and all those things. I think, goes a really long way.

Andrew Love: And so, how could somebody understand whether the person they’re talking to is a potential candidate for a spouse? Whether they have self-awareness or not. Like, how could, what are some probing questions or?

Sammy Uyama: Yeah, the. So, you know, in our, in our faith, we’ve got what we call the matching process. I think it’s such an excellent method for getting to know someone and finding a spouse. And then, they’ve, so, you know, the blood family department, they’ve already gone through the effort of finding really great questions to ask in. But, but the key is, to like direct questions can tell you a lot about someone. And so, the kinds of questions like that, that have someone have to think about themselves. So, really simple, like, yeah, what are your hopes? What are your dreams? What are your fears in your life? Nowhere? What do you, what are your weaknesses? You know, of course, then what are your strengths? And, and you can see how much someone’s thought about themselves or, or is aware of themselves by the depth of the answers that they give. Just like, you know, you can have really shallow answers. They’re like, “Yeah. I’m like, really good at, really organized. Or, you know, I’m really bad at, you know, closing, turn, turning, turning the lights off in the bathroom over.” And, and that’s just for you to be able to, to evaluate on your own. Like to be able to ask those kinds of questions and to hear someone and to listen to what they have to say and to probe deeper. That’s all I’d say. You have anything to add?

Andrew Love: Yeah. I mean, it seems like self-awareness is whether they can talk about the good stuff, and the bad stuff, right? Equally. And that they can also talk about where they are at, where they’ve come from, and where they’re going. So, you’re talking about a three-dimensional person who exists in the past, present, and the future. And they exist up and down. So, that’s a really good starting point is like, can they really talk about the stuff that they care about? And their hopes and their dreams? But also, yeah, their limitations and their fears? And also, can they really be honest about and own up to their past? The good stuff and the bad stuff? And then, where they’re at, in respect to their hopes and dreams, and also where they would like to be in? Are they making progress?

Sammy Uyama: Yeah. And I think a prerequisite of that would be just being comfortable to openly share and be honest about those things.

Andrew Love: Yeah. For sure.

Sammy Uyama: All right. What do you get, Andrew?

Andrew Love: So, I went straight to mental stuff. So, mentally and spiritually stable, right? Doesn’t mean that they’re perfect at all but that they can withstand the pressures of life. That’s really important because to have somebody was really deeply insecure, or they cannot make, they cannot fulfill their goals, they can’t be a consistent person. And they’re all over the place. It’s, it’s, it’s so incredibly stressful to build a relationship with somebody like that. Because you just, it’s like, every day you’re starting from zero. And it’s hard, it’s hard to build momentum, if there’s no stability, right? And again, that doesn’t mean that they haven’t had difficulties in the past. And I know, some really strong marriages where one person had manic depression in their past, but they dealt with it, with their family, right? They, they stabilized themselves before they got into a relationship. And now, with that full awareness of the past, they’re creating a beautiful present and future. So, just that if, if there is some spiritual stuff there. Like my wife revealed to me some crazy stuff that she’d been through spiritually, especially in her past. And it was shocking to hear, but I’m so glad she told me because then I can make an informed decision. And if she had hidden that from me, I would have been so angry. I would have been really felt like, I bought a car once and the guy didn’t tell me it was a piece of garbage. He said it was great. And then, I was really angry when I found out that I looked under the hood after I bought it. And I realized that it had been in multiple car accidents, and he welded it together. And I was like, “What is this? How did I not see this before?” It’s the same with people is like we’re not, it’s not about how perfect you present yourself as. It’s like, do you have, Can you, can you withstand difficult times? Do you have a tradition of, of being stable even when times aren’t perfect? Because I know a lot of people who are too fragile, and if anything goes a little bit wrong, they fall apart. And like again. And you have to start from scratch again and again and again. And that’s, it’s just, it’s doable. It just takes a lot of extra work and a lot of extra stress. 

Sammy Uyama: I can’t really speak to that. I think it’s one of the things I most appreciate about my wife is how remarkably stable I think she is. And just, you know, sleepless nights, baby explodes diarrhea all over the crib at three in the morning. She just, she can just deal with it. And yeah, and she doesn’t make a big fuss and doesn’t freak out. And, and in the morning still, be okay. Of course, yeah, she’s tired. Not so full energy. But she’s not like, just, you know, she’s not a wreck about it, right? Just like, dramatic and, and upset or, you know. She just deals with it. And I, so, when I had was that ties into that are to, try to think of the right word, or what I came up with is proven. And, okay, what I mean by that is that they have had the experience of being challenged in different areas of their life. And okay, when thinking of is like, they’ve been confronted with their values, and what’s really important to them. And they’ve had to value their values, right? And, and prioritize those qualities that are important to them over convenience or ease. And even, like with it, can this, can transfer us like faith, right? They’ve thought about what is it that they believe in? Or what is important to them? And also, like the strength of character. If they don’t have to be some like really dramatic thing like they went through some trauma and came out stronger. But they’ve had to take measure themselves against something. And had to display, like, their stability. You know, like what Andrews is talking about? What do you think?

Andrew Love: Yeah, absolutely. Just that they’re not, they’re not going into a marriage with their parent’s faith, and a bunch of assumptions. Because a lot of times, if especially, you know, in to do with the blessing and our movement and stuff like that is, it’s all connected. Like your faith and marriage and all that. So, if your faith goes into question, then your marriage goes into question. And then, it all gets thrown in this blender. And it can create a very dangerous recipe, like a midlife crisis kind of situation. And I’ve seen it happen multiple times. And somebody’s like, “Well, I wasn’t, I didn’t make this decision. I just was like, pressured into getting married to you.” And then, and the,n it all falls apart, right? But somebody who’s, yeah, develop their own faith and are making their own choices. They’re, they have their own free will. They’ve gone through the mental and spiritual labor of deciding what they want to believe. What they do believe. And that makes sense to them. So, that they own their decision, you know, to get married to you. And not somebody else, or something else. Some outside pressure, that doesn’t work out very well.

Sammy Uyama: That, actually, when you said it, it ties into another one that I wrote down. So, I want to, I want to go into that. So, independent. I think that’s such a valuable quality in someone. And, you know, we start out as dependent. And I think the natural process and cycle of life is as we grow that we’ve become more independent. And independent in practically in our ability to care for ourselves. Was independent in our thinking. And like we just said, we just don’t, we don’t just walk through life with what our parents gave us. But we forge something for ourselves when we think about, you know, what’s important to me. Also, I like having the confidence to figure things out and to deal with, deal with it. And, and not feel like you need someone to fix your problems or to save you, right? But you’ll, you’ll figure it out. And then, I think, the next natural cycle is that interdependence, right? We’re two independent people that they develop the relationship where they choose to rely on one another. And they choose each other. Not that you need, you’re in need of the other. And someone plays the role of the Savior, and someone plays the role of the saved. Where a lot of people fall into that trap. Because it’s really intoxicating to feel really needed by someone, right? But it’s, it, you know, it does imagine, I think it will get old really quick. And it’s not the right ingredients for a really vibrant relationship.

Andrew Love: Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. So, to have, I mean, they say it’s a decent notion to consider that the best way, before you get married to somebody, travel, travel with them, right? Go through some difficulties with them, and see how well they can handle themselves. But the same thing is like, I, I think it’s really important for young guys and young gals, that this, you know, juncture in history to have kind of gone out into the world before they go in into a relationship, right? So, like, that they’ve learned how to pay their own bills. And, you know, be self-sufficient in some way. Whatever, whatever makes sense to you. But that, that that pressure, be able to handle that pressure of striking out on your own, and is really important. And to have somebody else that’s done that too, that’s, you know, competent in life skills is super helpful. Because if they just go from you being dependent on their parents to be dependent on you, and it’s almost like you inherited child more than a spouse. You know, in some senses, for sure.

Sammy Uyama: What you got?

Andrew Love: The next one is strong beliefs held loosely. So, this is the idea of somebody, yes, who’s worked on their faith, and figuring out who they want to be, and how that fits in with the rest of the world. So, faith really is a matter of like, going deep within to figure out how you fit in the world, and in history, and making sense of all that. But then, always and having a really strong foundation that likes “Yes, I’ve wrestled with some ideas. I’ve allowed myself to be wrong 1000 times and allow myself to be right 1000 times.” But also being willing to be open-minded enough to, to grow, and to be wrong 1000 more times, and to be right 1000 more times, right? And not being afraid to let your faith experience challenges, and to go through that, and all with dignity, and not panicking, you know. So, to have another person with deep faith helps so much. Honestly, like. My wife and I, we’ve, that’s the one thing that’s really kept us together. When, you know, truth be told, at the start of this year, we had the worst month we’ve had in a long, long time in years. Is just riddled with sickness and stress. And I told my wife straight up, we were like fighting a lot, and I was like, “The only thing keeping us together right now is my commitment to the blessing.” And it was really harsh, and she was shocked. But it was true, as my faith that what we do within our relationship is a microcosm of the world. So, if we break apart, how can we expect anything to stick together, right? So, even when I can’t, even like have a conversation, because I’m so angry at you, I still believe in love over the long term. I believe that I can love you no matter what. And it turned out to be true, right? Without that faith, we could have easily separated many times, right? We have so many differences but our faith, our common faith, drives us forward. So that, we don’t ride on the first emotion that we feel but rather, we kind of fall in line with our, the long view of what we believe. And the fact that we both have that, allows us to keep pace with one another. You know, what I mean? If it was just me that’s faithful and she’s always struggling. Man, it’d be like dragging, dragging a body with me everywhere I go. Like a ball and chain.

Sammy Uyama: And the second part of that, I think, it’s really interesting, the like loosely held part. Like the implications of that are they willing to learn new things. Update their, their information, or update their beliefs based on whatever new information comes. And I think, that’s an indicator of one, like humility is one. And also, a confidence that, that your beliefs, they’re not attached to your identity. That the beliefs are just beliefs, and they help you. And the most accurate, the more accurate they are, the better. They’re not something that you, that you squeeze onto as hard as you can, because who you are as a person is dependent on them. Right? To just the willingness to, to go into that scary territory of re-exploring. What is the world mean to me? And how do I fit into it?

Andrew Love: Yeah. And doing it in a, in a reasonable way, right? Because I know a lot of people that it’s just honestly, in this world, it’s very inconvenient to believe in God because most celebrities don’t. Most cool musicians don’t. And it’s, it’s annoying sometimes, because a lot of things about religion are extremely uncool, and countercultural, right? But that doesn’t mean that they’re not true. And doesn’t mean that they’re not going to serve you well, in the long run. It might not serve you well, in a conversation, sitting around the coffee machine at some, you know, I don’t know office function. But or at school and your teachers spouting off agaist some atheistic stuff. But at the same time, I’m playing the long game in that respect. And finding somebody that’s also willing to do that, too, is so important. Because of all those haters and all this cultural stuff that we deal with, that doesn’t matter for crap when you’re really sick, or when you’re really happy, or when you’re having a baby. The only thing that matters are, how you’re able to manage the good and the bad, and respect others and create a life of meaning and value, right? And so, it’s just really important that somebody has faith that they’ve worked on. But they’re not, yeah, like Sam said, they’re not attached to, to the point where they’re, they won’t budge. Because that’s when you become too orthodox and rigid, and then it stops being something that serves you. And it just becomes this kind of, I don’t know, it becomes this religion just becomes like this safe space from the rest of the world. Religion isn’t meant to be used as a place to escape to, it’s meant to inform us. So, that we can help change the world and make it a better place, right? We’re not meant to escape the world, we’re meant to make the world a better place. So, if your religion is not doing that for you, you either don’t understand it, or it’s not serving you well. So.

Sammy Uyama: Yeah. There’s one, one, is what, what was one you said that I think is really good. You said, having a reasonable tolerance for stress or risk. I think, that goes a long way. Yeah. Just life’s very uncertain. And there are times, I mean, hopefully not regularly. But inevitably, there are times when you just go through crazy situation. And it’s like really stressful situation, or maybe not even that just in the normal day to day stuff. Like someone that does get stressed out about. You know, they can’t find a good parking spot in Walmart, or that they like make a big deal out of that. That’s like, that’s something to look at. Right? But in, anyway, like what, you know, we’re talking about not, we’re not talking about what to avoid. But it’s something that goes a long way. Someone that, you know, they’re able to handle stress well. Or like they have a higher capacity for it. And same with risk.

Andrew Love: Thresholds are really super important. Because at scale, like over time, stress only amplifies.Tthe older you get, the more responsibilities you have. And if you can take it and your thresholds very small, it just means more stress. If you have the tradition instead, to expand your threshold, then you’ll be able to handle whatever life throws at you. And so, that when sickness comes. When there’s some financial pressures or whatever, that you can handle it and will make you stronger if you have a high threshold. And that again, takes experience. It takes maturity. It’s, it’s character maturity. Because the other thing is risk tolerance, too. My wife and I, we started a business together and we have totally different risk tolerance levels. And she, and it caused a lot of stress. That was one of the worst years ever for me. Was the year that we started business together. Because we were in, we didn’t have this conversation, and I wish we did. So, sometimes people are very careless and they’re they, they don’t mind living a very risky life. And they don’t plan for much. They’re fine with that. For other people, it could create a great deal of anxiety. They need to plan everything. So, to understand that where you fit into that and also where they fit in and whether it’s similar thresholds. Because then, you’ll be creating a similar life together. But if it’s too far part, if it’s too disparate, it’s like, it’s very stressful for both people.

Sammy Uyama: Right? That’s, that’s well put. Yeah. Because one of the qualities of, yeah, better than what I said about. Just cross the board having a high tolerance for risk. Because, uh, you know, something goes hand in hand with that is high risk-taking behavior, which, which is not always what you want, right? So, just understand the threshold and where you stand and where they stand and make a reasonable balance between the two. 

Andrew Love: Yeah. What else you got?

Sammy Uyama:  Looking at this list, this can be, this can be pretty general. You know, we, were meant to go, we’re setting out to create a list of what to look for in a wife. But uh, I think a lot of what we’ve covered so far, can go both ways. It’s just general, what to look for in a human being. I mean, you could, this list is good for a spouse. It’s good for, like a business partner. Good for a friendship. Something specific to like a wife, that comes to mind is, somewhat like, looking for a woman that’s comfortable with their femininity. Comfortable being a woman. You know, I think a lot of what today’s world asks of women is to actually be men in some ways. Like, either, there’s no like, dignified, feminine, not, there’s no, there’s very few examples of dignified femininity. You’re either, being a woman, either means being objectified, or it means being a man, right? If you want to be taken seriously in business, then like, those are the rewarded traits is that you’re like, assertive, and you know, like a go-getter, or whatever it is. A lot of things that might go counter to not all women, but some woman’s disposition. And so, not, and so, you know, there’s generally feminine traits. And I know, whatever, wherever you, wherever a woman lies on, you know, their, their femininity spectrum. Just, they’re comfortable with that. And, you allow, that they’re able to express that in a healthy way.

Andrew Love: Also, yeah. I mean, I know, a lot of people are asked to repress their essential nature of their femininity during their formative years, just to avoid disaster. Getting into, you know, relationships ahead of time. And so, they really, like, they become ashamed of their bodies. They have body image issues. And that’s a huge thing, regardless, like just in society, in general. There’s like, a lot of body image issues for men and woman, but especially for women. And so, to be comfortable in your own skin, right? I am this kind of woman, and to be okay with that. So, this is my body. It’s a gift to somebody, right? If you view your body as something that you lament, then it in many ways becomes your giving somebody all those insecurities. And I can say, clearly, I’ve read enough studies and I’ve experienced that in my own family, when somebody doesn’t like their body, or they have a bad self image, it really directly impacts your children especially. Because every time they see you insulting yourself, they diminishes the value that you have for yourself and that your kids pick up on that. And they, they see themselves as not being attractive either. It’s they, they mimic that. So, to have, yeah, like a sense of, “I am a beautiful woman as defined by me. What I believe beautiful woman means.” Not pressured to be a man like this or a woman like this. But like a true woman, you know, a true woman. That’s, that’s really important. Men pick up on that. They pick up on when people are being fake. And some men like fake woman. And those are men who don’t want you to be you, and that’s not something you can build a relationship on. But like a man that will really treat you with respect, need somebody to really respect themselves first, right? I’m sure it goes both ways. But since me and I are both dudes, we can say it with, you know, great assurance that when people respect themselves, it makes it a heck of a lot easier to respect them. Can I just add? I just had, I had a very practical one. Because is like, I’m a homebody versus Nomad, right? Because I grew up a homebody, I didn’t really travel that much. We went on vacations every year, like the same place every year. For 12 years, we went of Florida every summer. So, I never really grew up traveling so much. And then, I married a nomad, a straight Nomad from the last living nomadic culture, the Mongolians, right? So, it’s in her blood to move every two years. And then, that was an issue for her. And we didn’t even know it, but it was in her blood. She needs to travel. And then, I just started to side with her. And now, we travel a lot. But if I was really more attached to getting a job where I go to the same place every day and all that, it would be, it’d be horrible for her. Luckily, I’ve found a situation that works because we can travel and I can work. But if you don’t know that about the other person, and one person wants to travel the world, and the other one just wants to find a nice little, you know, a nice neighborhood to invest in, and be a part of the PTA, and you know, wants to be, you know, involved in the Girl Scouts, or Boy Scout. Whatever. That’s a huge difference. Trust me. Because one person will be daydreaming about traveling the world and the other will just be dreaming about the kind of, you know, sandwiches they’re going to eat at the next town hall meeting.

Sammy Uyama: You mean that the garden that they’re getting, they’re growing or the canyon class that they’re going to do. 

Andrew Love: Yeah. They just longing for home. Whereas, some people I’m starting to realize, like, some people need a physical home in order to feel right. They don’t feel like a healthy person, unless they have a home to come back to. My wife and I, our home is honestly the world. And we’re lucky. We’re very rare people, but this is actually a big thing that I’ve noticed happening a lot. Especially in the era of Instagram, when travel photos all over the place, and people are jealous about traveling and they want to travel all the time. It’s not for everybody, for sure. It comes with stressors, and it’s just a different type of person. And so, it’s really good to have that kind of conversation about and to be fine either way. Both are fine. It’s just different wirings, you know.

Sammy Uyama: I think, that’s, that’s like a really good example of, if the cactus category came up with, it’s like fill in the blank, right? It’s just like being aware of knowing what kind of person you are. And then, I said, and then what kind of person the other your, you know, your counterpart, your spouse’s in that area. And if you can, if you match, well. If you can come up with some sort of compromise. It’s like, you don’t have to match across everything. Like traveling and staying at home, being a homebody. It’s a one really important area to look at. But you know, that like people are different in so many ways. Like the way you get energized. So, what I’ve discovered this year between my wife and I is that for, for her, just physically leaving the house, she needs that in order to feel invigorated. If she’s just physically in the building, all day, she just gets zapped. She needs to go out for a walk. She needs to go to a cafe. Meet a friend. What, doesn’t matter. She just needs to physically leave the building. And that like really invigorates an energizer. Whereas, I’m the exact opposite. Like going out is fun and all, but like I do that, that’s an expenditure of energy. And if I want to, if I want to energize myself, I stay at home. And you know, we can have people over. Whatever and have a nice time, but like, I need to physically be in my environment. And that’s like, my, my form of recharge. And this is, this is interesting, you know. And this is an interesting discovery that we had this year. And, you know, doesn’t matter that we’re completely opposite. We know, we just, it’s helpful to know and we work with that. So, I really, I really honor the, her, that the requests that she makes. When like, she wants me to watch the kids, so she can go to a cafe for an hour because like she really needs. That just staying at home all day with children is really hard for her. And there’s a, there’s a million other different things, right? That what kind of person are you? What kind of person are they? And just being aware of how you can work together in that area?

Andrew Love: Yeah. Those are all negotiable. Like if, if you have, if you represent a unit, that’s like one inch, and the other person represents a unit, that’s one inch. There’s got to be a certain amount of overlap in order for it to be compatible, right? If it’s too far apart, they don’t overlap at all, just cause stress. It doesn’t mean it’s unmanageable. But if you’re like that, in pretty much every category, you’re just gonna be stressed out. So stressful. Until you can find a way to make it work. And this is funny, it’s the saddest in reality, but funniest in terms of how ridiculous our culture is. Those are the things that people focus on last in our modern society. They’ll have sex with each other first because they like to say music or at a show or whatever. And they like the other person’s jacket. “Oh, that’s a nice jean jacket. Let’s have sex.” So, then, then, they do that. And then, they have no idea how incompatible they are in every single area. So, it’s like it starts off fiery and then ends very cold. We’re talking about the opposite, which is where you find out these things first, and that leads to intimacy is getting to know somebody. And then eventually, when the time is right when all the stars are aligned, then you commit. And then, and then you have some of the greatest sex known to humankind. But.

Sammy Uyama: Yeah. That’s called playing the long game. Where we look at, you know, where do, where do we want this relationship to be in 20 years from now? Forty years from now? And just most people don’t think about relationships in those terms. I mean, like, they’re, they’re just taking it, seeing how it goes. Testing it out. It’s, they’re not thinking, maybe even like six months from now, a year, they’re not people don’t even think that far. It’s just like, “I like how it is now and that’s good enough for me.”

Andrew Love: Yeah. Disaster. And so, I have one more. One more official one, which is.

Sammy Uyama: The optional one that we came up with?

Andrew Love: Take it, take it with a grain of salt. But it’s again, it’s not just me inventing it. It’s marrying somebody from another culture. Because I believe that, you know, especially in the Western world, despite what the, what the media is saying right now, I really believe that most, the vast majority of people are so accustomed to other races. That’s not really an issue. A people of other races, right? What’s much more challenging, but also rewarding is somebody from another culture. And let me explain this, like, when I got married to my wife, and we would get into a fight. And my, my venom, if I’m at my worst, I start being sarcastic. My wife has no idea what sarcasm is, and so land flat on its face. So, the worst of me couldn’t even get to her, even like. So, I was utterly disarmed. And it just totally dismantled the whole argument. And then, you know, it was beautiful. But then, I realized that she doesn’t understand any of the shows that I watched growing up. And I used to be frustrated. Because I’d be like, making these pithy jokes based on Seinfeld or whatever, she had no idea. And that ended up being such a blessing because I don’t give a crap about any of us, right? That’s just like data stored in my mind that’s doing nothing. It’s useless. Trust me, it’s cultural garbage that we’ve inherited. And she doesn’t, she doesn’t kind of meet me halfway with that stuff. So, we’re coming on the basis of stuff that, that means a lot more than, “Hey, you remember, remember when we were five. When we watched little rainbow.” Or you guys probably don’t even know that. I’m an old man.

Sammy Uyama: I know reading rainbow. Yeah. That’s okay.

Andrew Love: It was Jordi Laforge, from Star Trek. Stuff like that. Like the fact that you know that, I know that. It creates this bond, but it’s on a very superficial level. And that’s where most of us exist, most of the time. Is cultural, you know. We, we consume the same media. We’ve seen the same stuff. Same music. “Hey, Nirvana. My wife has no idea who Nirvana is.” You cannot understand how liberating that is to me as a person, because it’s useless. I don’t care. It doesn’t, you know, but you know, what? The, so the things that we do engage with are so much deeper. And she brings a totally different perspective on everything, which obviously brings its challenges. But over the long run is so much more rewarding, because we can raise children who are so much more well rounded culturally. So, as long as I respect her culture, and she respects mine, then they get two cultures. That doesn’t always happen, right? If I just say all your, your culture is wrong. Mine is right. Then, my carrot, my kids, my carrots, they don’t get the benefit, but it’s.

Sammy Uyama: What’s up to those carrots. 

Andrew Love: We tend to hang out with people like us. And culturally, that means it’s like, especially when you’re choosing your spouse, it’s so much easier to think of the people you know. It’s really scary to consider somebody from a totally different world. And it’s not easy. I’m telling you. But it’s so much more rewarding, and it makes you a bigger person. You don’t know how limited your perspective is until you marry somebody who sees the world from a totally different angle. They see stuff you’ve never seen before. You’ve never even considered and it challenges you. But it also, if you can open your mind hard enough to see from their vantage point, you say, “Wow. Some of my thinking is fundamentally broken. And I had no access to another perspective until I married into it.”

Sammy Uyama: Yeah. That’s two, that’s two things you mentioned that being from different cultures, it, it forces you to focus on the things that really matter. I think that,t that goes a long wa.y You can’t fall back on the comfortable topics. And it’s the same with my wife and I, you know, like she, things I grew up on Simpsons, Arthur, Jackie Chan adventures, she’s like, “Totally foreign words.” Right? It’s like, same with her, right? There are all these Korean things that I have no idea about. And it is actually fun to win them when the time is right to share those things with one another. And it’s like, nostalgic, when, when she’ll tell me about like these funny jokes that they would do in elementary school, right? Or like these songs and singing. I love hearing that. I love hearing about them. She’s interested sometimes to hear about, you know, things I liked. And then, the other thing was the perspective. That’s huge as well. Just, you know, there’s like 7 billion ways to see the world and experience the world. And you’ve got one. So, bring, you know, teaming up with someone who’s got, you know, a very different way of processing things. That just, you cover more basis. And you can become that much more rounded. And I think, you know, it’s not the worst thing. But you know, maybe the boring, most boring thing you could do is marry someone who grew up in the same town. Went to the same school. Got the same summer job as you. You know, and study the same thing. And, yeah, it’s like you’ve got, you have the same perspective, basically. And, you know, there’ll be differences, of course. Like family, cultures. It’s rare that two families have the same culture at home, as well. Right? But, and there’s a cultural thing can play in different levels. And people grew up in big cities. Who grew up in small towns. Grew up with lots of siblings. Who grew up his only children. And all these things, give you a really unique perspective that can be valuable to experience.

Andrew Love: Yeah. Again, it’s like, it’s really, I can see that. You know, if you look into the world, things are becoming polarized. Because people are only consuming the information that they’re comfortable with. And when you have a group of people doing that, then they just, it drowns out the potential of an honest conversation. But like, the whole, you know, to find the Reverend Moon talked about this. Like when you marry enemy country, representatives from enemy countries together. You know, if they’re really strong, and they have a strong foundation of wanting to see a positive outcome, then what you do is you just start to brick by brick. Takedown the barriers that enable, that, that disables people from being able to see each other as people, right? Like, you just see all, like Korea and Japan, right? They’re always at war. And they were just like, they dehumanizing each other. “Oh, that’s not a person. That’s a Japanese or vice versa, right?” And so, instead of marrying them together. And I can really see it that, as a Western person, I think I’m open-minded until my wife starts talking about, “Oh, the kids are sick. Here’s how we help people get healthy in Mongolia.” And I’m like, “You do what now. That’s not science. Right?” It’s like, “No, it’s not science. It’s just been working for thousands of years. How long has it been working in Canada or America. Is like, we’ve only really had access to this kind of science for about 30 years, but it’s pretty accurate” Is like, “Okay, yeah.” Right? So, it’s just like, it’s, obviously brings challenges, right? Because, but at the same time, it’s just so cool. Because it just rips your concepts in half. So, you have to be willing to have your concepts ripped in half periodically. To be and to be totally wrong. Because we play a game called Am I crazy or Are you crazy? where for any major disagreement, we see the world differently. we know that one of us is way off. It’s very rare that it’s like a, you know, this symbiotic mix. It’s usually, she’s way off, I’m way off. And that’s really educational. You know, I mean, especially in terms of like, health and stuff like that. But I would just say, it’s very valuable to spend time with not diverse. I mean, that should be a given that you’re hanging out with a rich, diverse set of races, whatever. That’s, that’s fantastic. But what’s even more informative is hanging out with a rich, diverse, cross-section of cultures. That’s when you like, that’s when your mind really expands like crazy. You know, people that I think first-generation immigrants from this place or that. Or you go to their country, and it’s like, “Wow”. You know. You and I are both loving foreign countries. 

Sammy Uyama: I mean, that’s like the implication of like, why people say, “Oh. You should have, you know, multi-racial, multi-racial friends.” Maybe. It’s not, it’s not, it’s not the skin color. You know, that’s just like what you’re looking at. It’s actually about the culture that indication of where they’re from and what they’ve experienced.

Andrew Love: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, that’s just the that’s an aside that I thought was really important because it’s, it’s come up. And I see that, like, I had a really good conversation with this guy, who’s now in his 60s. And he was like when he was really struggling with his wife, he would just want to have a conversation with a Western woman who really got him. And then, he realized that was almost like an emotional affair. That he just was so frustrated, because his wife didn’t get his cultural references. But it’s when he was being a baby that he wanted to be really understood, you know, by a woman in that way. What I mean? So definitely, it’s not always smooth sailing, but it makes you a better person. It makes you a stronger person. And makes you open, more open-minded, and open-hearted person. I, in my opinion. To marry somebody who’s totally different from you. And yeah, as Sammy said, culture doesn’t necessarily mean from another country, but that’s just a given when they’re from a totally different society. But culture could also mean, yeah, city versus country. California versus I don’t know, Detroit. Different people. Yeah. You have anyone?

Sammy Uyama: Yeah. Nah. We went through, and nothing. Maybe to, we actually came up with things to avoid list. But maybe we leave that for another episode. We’re running long in the truth here.

Andrew Love: Okay. Yeah. So, we hope this is helpful. We’ll keep on, you know, scratching at finding the best ways to help you show up prepared. Because the point is that no decision is a perfect decision. You can’t know everything about your spouse, and whether they’re absolutely perfect for you before getting married, before committing. Because, to be honest, they don’t know themselves a hundred percent. None of us know ourselves a hundred percent because we’re always evolving. But what you can do is make an, a,  as informed opinion, as possible. And based on that say, I have enough facts. I’m going to go forward with confidence and just commit a hundred percent to that. When you can do that. Things will work out.

Sammy Uyama: Yes. Then, commitment. That, that word just flew, flag me. So, when you make that decision. When you’re committed, I mean, you gotta be all in at that point. Actually, Andrew, you mentioned this earlier, in his episode about like, you know, once you’re committed, then you just got, you can’t, you got to give up that “Oh, what ifs?” You know, how the danger of you know, could I have done betters. You got to throw all that out the window. Like, yeah, you know, we hope this is helpful. You’re not going to get, you know, you’re not going to get a perfect bullseye, in all likelihood. And, but it’s fine. You know, the relationship you’re in is perfect. And the most rewarding thing you can experience is to make that relationship special and an incredible experience.

Andrew Love: Yeah. How about there’s no such thing as born perfect. There’s no such thing as perfect from the start. There’s only the perfection of process, right? The process is what makes something perfect because it’ll never be perfect or fully formed because everything is always changing. But the process that you go through being committed to making things as good as possible, that can be perfect, right? Just in appreciating what you have. And in order for that to happen, you really have to close off any possibilities. And in order for you to comfortably do that, you have to do your diligence ahead of time. But if you do that, honestly, it’s possible. This is not like we’re not speaking from some crazy psychedelic, you know. We’re not on an Iosco trip, talking about our experiences. We’re like living it. And we’re also modeling what we’re talking about from uncle David and Mitsui. From the people that were plugged into that are living this stuff. That you will experience many more highs, and longer-lasting, and the ultimate high of oneness. If you go through what we’re talking about. You can chase after these little highs, you know, the porns, the hookup culture, all this stuff. But it’s proven to lead to more isolation, more loneliness, more disconnection, and all that. It’s just proven. People kind of know this intuitively, intuitively. And now it’s, you know, statistically true. But there’s still the temptation to not go the difficult route because it doesn’t give immediate joys all the time on demand. You got to work for it. But in the end, it will lead you to the ultimate joy. We can say that with certainty.

Sammy Uyama: Alright. Thank you. Hope you guys got a lot out of this episode, and we’ll see you next time.

Andrew Love: Peace.

Listen on your platform:

Related Articles

#49 – ‌High Noon 2021 Launch

This makes for a lovely episode: listen to an inspiring and enchanting love story of High Noon Families’ the School of Love project directors, Jario and Leena Vincenz-Gavin. 

Married for 13 years, these two have grown a lot and discovered many things about themselves, their work, and each other. Apart from being the fuel for families to mend their relationships, they also became a role model for couples working in the same environment, believing that learning about each other’s strengths and weaknesses will help create that perfect balance in marriage and relationships. 

Responses

  1. I really enjoyed this episode. Andrew’s humor makes it so entertaining to listen to.

    The qualities that this podcast mentioned that I liked the most were:

    1. a woman who is comfortable in her own femininity

    2. Marrying someone from another culture.

    3. Self awareness.